PMFL: The one where the football columnist corrects the record

Jeff Whitten, columnist

Welcome to another exciting episode of the Pembroke Football Mafia League. And a correction right away.

In last week’s PMFL column, I reported that District 5 County Commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD, LSD, JROTC, XYZ, Esquire, will see his time on the commission end at the end of the year—or something like that.

Gene has a long way to go before he can ride his pony Scootaloo into the sunset.

According to him, he has “two years, three months, 17 days, 18 hours and 27 minutes” left in his term, but he is not taking time into account.

How could I have gotten it so wrong?

Easy. As regular readers of this column know, I never let facts get in the way of a good PMFL story. Besides, I’m actually as dumb as I look.

That aside, Gene is one of the most respected citizens of Bryan County, if you count wealthy dentists as citizens.

One of my favorite quotes that I attribute to Gene as a commissioner came shortly after he was elected – this was around the time that Richmond Hill was suing Bryan County over taxes and the Savannah Homebuilders Association was suing Bryan County over the impact fee and ordinances restricting, among other things, the use of vinyl siding – which may be why builders keep wanting to be annexed by Pembroke or Richmond Hill.

Oh, and that home builder lawsuit is still pending in court.

One thing I find interesting is that in 2019, about five years ago, builders were saying they couldn’t build a house in Richmond Hill for more than $260,000 and sell it, and all that government bureaucracy was driving up the cost of the houses that they were building as part of their patriotic duty. The last time I looked, a few weeks ago, the average price of a new vinyl home in Richman’s Hill was over $400,000.

Anyway, to paraphrase what Gene said, it went something like this: “I’ve never been sued in 30 years as a dentist and I’ve been on this board less than a month and I’ve already been sued twice.”

It’s hard enough to do well in local government, even in the best of times – and often thankless enough. Then there are the social media scammers who should know better. And one day the only people running for office will be reality TV stars and people who think they’re in charge.

In reality, elected officials at the local level often find themselves between a rock and a hard place. They are frequently forced to make unpopular decisions, and are given more blame than they deserve, and sometimes more credit than they deserve, etc.

Except Gene, who also discovered that if he rubs Cheetos dust on his skin, he becomes invisible. Gene should run for Congress.

Status:

His regal Chief Petty Admiral (retired) B.J. Clark is tied for first place with District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington. Noah is one of those fine old school public servants, and unlike Gene, his time on the board ends in December. Noah will be missed, but not for long. He plans to open a trampoline farm to power the next generation of electric hamster wheels.

Stay informed.

There is a four-way tie for second place, with Rev. Lawrence Butler, County Administrator Ben Taylor – Ben likes to be called Elroy Jetson, by the way – Gene and I. We all have 12 misses.

Former BCN assistant editor and Michigan resident Ted O’Neil is tied with 5,000-year-old sportswriter Mike Brown with 13 misses each.

Mike Clark is all alone in fourth place with 14 misses, but Mike doesn’t care. Mike has groupies.

Retired Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell is tied for fifth with 16 misses; Alex is tied for sixth with 18 misses; and County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pumpernikel” Infinger IIIV is tied for last with 20 misses.

But if you read this column backwards, Carter is the first. You see, life is all about how you look at it.

This week’s matches:

• Georgia Southern at Georgia State: Alas, how far the Eagles have fallen. Mike B., Rev.

Lawrence and Freddy pick the Panthers, who have the coach that Southern should have hired years ago and then we’d probably be talking about Georgia Southern making runs in the playoffs. The big boy playoffs.

• Colorado in Central Florida:

Mike, Noah, Rev. Lawrence and Dr. Gene take Coach

First.

• North Carolina at Duke: Alex, Freddy and Dr. Gene take on the Tar Heels.

• Oklahoma State at Kansas State:

Noah, Alex, Mike B., Ted and Reverend Lawrence take on the Wildcats.

• US Navy at UAB: Ted and Freddy choose UAB over the country’s first line of defense on the water.

• BYU vs. Baylor: BJ, Alex, Jeff, Ted and Freddy defeat the Bears.

• Illinois at Penn State: Alex, Jeff, Ted and Freddy say the Fighting Illini will beat the Nittany Lion behind them.

• Louisville at Notre Dame: Jeff, Alex, Carter, Noah and Freddy take on the Cards, though

• UGA vs. Bama: The biggest game of the week if you’re a Southerner. Jeff (that’s me) and Mike Brown, who Bear Bryant called his second cousin, pick the Tide. BJ, who is a diehard Auburn War Seagull fan, says, “Roll Tide roll, around the bowl and into the hole.” Is he talking about the toilet?

• South Florida at Tulane: Alex, Mike B., Jeff (that’s me), Carter and Freddy take South Florida.

And thanks for not shooting the light on my porch.

Jeff Whitten, now retired, was previously the managing editor of the Bryan County News. Unbeknownst to the current BCN editor, Whitten is also a potato chip connoisseur. His favorite flavor of chips is Golden Flake’s Hot Thin & Crispy Potato Chips, though he says Tom’s Hot Stuff Chips comes in a close second. The more you know.