The Disappeared Republican Riots?

This column may upset some people. And frankly, I don’t care what Democrats feel, but it had to be written.
I was sitting in my new favorite bar in Conroe’s Switch, chatting with some new friends, when a beautiful South African immigrant, now an American citizen, said something to me that I found so profound that my brain shut down.
“Where were the Republican Party riots after President Trump was shot?”
My God, what an incredible statement, and I doubt anyone else in our country would have thought of that. There are so few references to the subject. There was maybe one riot in Miami that I had never heard of, and “January 6th,” if you can call that a riot, and that story falls apart faster than a Joe Biden diaper change.
Why didn’t I rise up? Why didn’t my fellow Republicans rise up?
All of us Republicans had a good reason to riot. Our President (Trump, not Biden) had just been shot “For Christ’s Sake” so we all needed to blow off some steam, which could have easily been handled at our local Sam’s Walmart, or Costo; with a small flash mob coming in and stealing everything we needed. I could use a “five finger discount” myself. I need a new iPad, not for myself, but as a gift for my second cousin. I could also use an 80” TV for my boyfriend, so I needed a “ten-five-finger discount” on that. And since it’s not for me, it stands to reason that I can just walk in and grab whatever I want in a riot situation.
I’m sure millions of Republicans could use things that are out of their budget thanks to Bidenflation, bad economics and foreign policy. We could have sent hordes to the grocery stores. I mean, who wouldn’t want to stuff themselves with tons of Allen Brothers Steak, ice cream, or OTC meds and supplements; not to mention the laundry detergent and toilet paper. Dem apologists say people who steal from grocery stores are just trying to feed their families. Yep! We need to feed our families too. Any Republican mother could “identify” as a Democrat for the same reason, fill their shopping carts, and just walk away without paying.
Who couldn’t use a free bottle of Jack Daniel’s? GOPs love alcohol too, although I would point out to Republican rioters that they are looting the upper class alcohol suppliers; the stuff with racehorses on the cap. We should all go to the grocery store, because with all this rioting going on we could use some chips, beer, energy drinks, and let’s not forget the hot dogs. Scratch off tickets are always needed, and when they are free, that’s a win-win for all the Republican rioters. I would also recommend visiting a pharmacy or two during our riots. Who among us doesn’t need a pain reliever, especially after a night of heavy rioting? The candy aisle at pharmacies is very important, and it’s never too early to start stocking up for Halloween. And we should also stock up on aspirin, because after a night of heavy drinking we need some help recovering from all that drinking and looting. And then we can enjoy our new treats.
Oh boy, I almost forgot guns! What Republican rioter couldn’t use more guns? I only have one per room in my house, but what Republican rioter couldn’t use two or more guns per room in their apartment? Republicans are law abiding gun owners, but there’s no mention of how they got them. So it’s okay. What’s good for the Democratic goose is more than okay for the Republican goose.
Republicans have missed so many opportunities to riot over the last few decades. Think of the gains we could have made over the years. With the “Fentanyl Floyd” riots, we on the right could have really wiped everything clean, and who would have complained? Everyone in left-wing cities would have appreciated the company, and as long as you’re wearing a hoodie and a mask, Democrats can’t tell the difference.
And with the situation in Democratic cities and states on both coasts, we don’t even need a reason to riot. For years, stores from San Diego to Seattle, in the Midwest, to the East Coast, have been open seven to thieves who support the retail theft industrial complex that is forcing first the reduction of store hours, then the complete closure of more than 10,000 stores; from small shops to large retailers.
Democratic policies have closed down large swaths of popular shopping areas due to rampant nonsense. Try going to Beverly Hills and shopping? Nothing is open. Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco? Nothing is open. Many grocery stores along the West Coast are closed, so if you’re looking for green beans, ground beef, or tofu; to steal or buy, you’re out of luck, and that goes for the Upper East Coast as well.
Many GOP entrepreneurs could have become successful Amazon retailers thanks to the spoils of organized theft, stealing everything from big-screen TVs, refrigerators, washers and dryers. And restaurants? What Republican wouldn’t want a Tiki bar in their home?
Yes, we Republicans have been shortchanging ourselves for decades. From the Zoot Suit Riots (1943), to the Long Hot Summer Riots of 1967; to the MLK Riots of ’68, and let’s not forget the 1968 Democratic National Convention Riots (which will undoubtedly repeat themselves with the upcoming DNC Convention in August), which we Republicans still have time to plan for.
Of course I’m kidding, but for many in Democratic states and cities, food, pharmacy, and shopping deserts are a serious and real issue. And when the law only punishes criminals for stealing more than $950 worth of produce, Democratic politicians are just asking for trouble. Rarely is a felony handed out for stealing $700 worth of something. It’s truly a crazy world in those areas, and in its surreality, the elderly suffer and pay the price for voting Democrat all these years.
Republicans don’t riot. Rioting is the domain of Democrats, who always get a free pass for their deviant behavior. Republicans don’t riot because they naturally follow the rule of law. GOPs respect people and their property, and demand the same in return. Republicans respect the right to free speech (which Democrats passionately hate against anyone who thinks outside of their deviant behavior), the right to bear arms, and a whole host of other laws. Laws like the Democrats’ do not respect the right to life, for babies to be born alive, and to stay alive after birth.
And now that Joe Biden has dropped out of the race, we can expect total chaos at the Democratic convention in Chicago next month. There is no doubt that Kamala Harris will be challenged at the DNC for the Dem nomination. Her cackling cannot be allowed to become the face of the Democratic Party.

Ruben can be reached at: [email protected]