GarbAugust 3-D . . . . . . . . DONE!

OK so how’d I do? Well, better than I thought, actually. Owing to events beyond my control, I did less than spectacularly in last month’s GIALLO JULY but this month, I managed to accomplish quite a bit. First the movies — since this year was a watchathon as well as a readathon —

I got these movies of trashy goodness watched during GarbAugust 3-D:

VANISHING POINT – the classic 1971 car chase movie featuring the naked lady on the motorcycle. Pure early-70’s grindhouse/drive-in goodness.
GOLDEN NEEDLES – this semi-mystical movie features a bunch of people trying to get their hands on a golden statue containing acupuncture needles which, if used properly, convey eternal youth. Joe Don Baker stars and, frankly, any movie with Joe Don Baker kinda qualifies as trashy automatically, doesn’t it??? I got all excited when I saw Jim Kelly was in this but, sadly, it’s only an “appearance” and he’s basically in one scene and then gone. Granted, it IS a kung fu fight scene that Kelly choreographed himself but damn, it just leaves me wanting more!
DEATH PROOF – Q’s half of the Grindhouse duology which features a tribute to VANISHING POINT in it’s second half. I mean, after re-watching VANISHING POINT, I just HAD to re-watch DEATH PROOF, didn’t I?
HUSTLE – Excellent director Robert Aldrich helmed this 1975 Burt Reynolds movie which wasn’t nearly as fun as I expected it to be. It actually took itself WAY too seriously and the silly, mid-70’s Burt movie I expected wasn’t what HUSTLE was at all. It was still good, mind you, but the trashiness level wasn’t as high as I would’ve hoped.
MR. MAJESTYK – OK, I can always rely on Charles Bronson and here we have him getting his melons machine-gunned! That’s right, watermelon-farmer Bronson gets on the wrong side of the local mob headed by Al Lettieri (Sollozzo in THE GODFATHER) who is excellent as usual. Also on hand is frequent Bronson co-star Paul Koslo and the local hood who is a pain in both Bronson AND Lettieri’s ass!
DEATH HUNT – OMG why move away from Bronson when you’re on a role. It’s 1931 Canadian Yukon territory and Bronson gets into trouble with the local hardman Ed Lauter (in maybe his best role ever) when Bronson breaks up Lauter’s dog fight and buys Lauter’s gravely-injured fighting dog so he can stop the carnage and nurse the dog back to health. Oh yeah, he whips Lauter’s ass BEFORE paying him two hundred bucks for the dog. Lauter & his gang go to Bronson’s cabin to ambush him but Bronson defends himself and kills one of the thugs. Of course, Lauter is pissed and tells the local Mountie sergeant Lee Marvin that Bronson stole his dog & murdered a guy so Marvin (with rookie Mountie Andrew Stevens and seasoned Mountie Carl Weathers) have to go bring Bronson in. Which Lee Marvin is reluctant to do and has a bad taste in his mouth about it but what can he do? You spend the whole movie hoping Marvin will see through Lauter’s BS and team-up with Bronson to get the real bad guy!
NEWMAN’S LAW – A mid-70’s cop movie with George Peppard as the member of the LAPD who slowly uncovered a connection between the local drug traffic and members of his own police force. There’s nothing like an early-to-mid-1970’s cop movie! Roger Robinson is awesome as Peppard’s partner and Abe Vigoda is the local mafia boss.
BEACH BALL – OK, here’s a 1965 beach movie that DOESN’T star Frankie & Annette. It DOES, however, have appearances by mega-stars Diana Ross & the Supremes, Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons, The Walker Brothers, and the Righteous Brothers. Edd “Kookie” Byrnes and 60’s B-movie stud Aron Kincaid are the “leads” and Dick Miller & Sid Haig make cameo appearance. The sad part is that the movie is terrible. It could be saved by the awesome music performances — except there aren’t really any. While the 4 Seasons do their big hit “Dawn (Go Away)”, NONE of the other groups perform their well-known hits. So you get these awesome acts performing songs which you’ve probably never heard before and which are their best efforts. A criminally wasted opportunity!
HILLBILLYS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE – Yeah, I don’t know why they spelled hillbillies like that. But with a title like that, this is AUTOMATICALLY in the trashy treasure category. And this movie is actually better than BEACH BALL by a small margin. Like those other similar flicks released around the same time — ROAD TO NASHVILLE and FORTY ACRE FEUD — this features a ton of mid-60’s country artists who perform a ton of their hit songs. B-movie blonde Joi Lansing, country singer Ferlin Husky and comedy-country singer Don Bowman are traveling to Nashville when their car breaks down and they have to spend the night inside a spooky old house which happens to be the hideout of Lon Chaney Jr., John Carradine & Basil Rathbone! It’s good to see the three veteran spooks but there isn’t much for them to do here. The song performances, however, are good and welcome additions that perk up a rather blah movie otherwise. Merle Haggard, Sonny James and some lesser-known country performers also show up to sing a few songs!
NINJA ACADEMY – What would a trashy watchathon be without an 80’s Nico Mastorakis movie?!?!? I know, it’s not worth THINKING about, is it?!?! So the new Nico Mastorakis box set came just in time and I watched this almost indescribable Ninja comedy (!) which, as the title suggests, is basically POLICE ACADEMY with Ninjas. I can’t even describe the silliness going on here but it was actually very enjoyable and fun! The venerable Gerald Okamura is the poor master who has to train this group of wacky losers in ninja skills and he manages to keep his dignity intact while still subtly seeming to be having a good time.
FAST X – We rocket to the present day with this I guess tenth FAST & THE FURIOUS film in the trashy franchise. Now, I never saw a single one of these movies before and the only reason I saw THIS one is because my Dad bought me the 4K steelbook of it as a birthday present. Yes, fittingly, my birthday is in the same month as GarbAugust. Trashy, trashy me, you probably guessed. And holy crap, this was the trashiest fun! Are ALL the movies in this franchise like this???? Because this was the most OTT bonkers nonsense I’ve seen in a long time! However, I was a little perplexed when the movie just kinda stopped without a real ending; obviously to be continued in the next film, I guess, But I still had a blast! And after all, that’s what GarbAugust is all about — having brainless, trashy fun!
FLYING OBJECTS: A STATE SECRET – So, what’s more trashy fun than a documentary about UFO’s??? This one is from 2020 and is nothing you haven’t seen a million times before. Only newer.
CAPTAIN AMERICA II: DEATH TOO SOON – Holy crap, I actually watched one of those 70’s made-for-TV Captain America movies I’ve managed to avoid for several decades. And I’ve never even SEEN the first one. Yep, I chose to watch this sequel (on an Australian dvd which has both of them as a double feature) mainly because, although both have the reputation of being god-awful, the sequel is minutely less god-awful. And it has Christopher Lee in it. So I went straight for the second one. And yes, it’s almost unwatchable although there are some funnily-bad moments scattered here and there.
DOCTOR JEKYLL – Horror as a genre is generally looked down on as trashy by definition (and screw you snotty critics who think that) so here’s a horror movie. This time, however, we have a NEW Hammer Horror from 2023 which is actually draw-dropping to me. I had no idea that somebody recently bought the company and is turning out Hammer Horror again. Good on ya!!! Here we have a ‘re-telling’ of the Jekyll/Hyde story with Eddie Izzard starring as the reclusive Dr. Nina Jekyll whose grandfather was the OG scientist with the ‘Hyde problem’. I actually almost loved this one for the first 2/3rds as the slow buildup and atmosphere (and performances) were really great. However, it kinda fell into silliness in the final reel but not enough to ruin the film; also it went on a tad too long. All in all, a mild recommend.
CREEPYPASTA – Here’s another modern (2023) horror flick but this time it’s a portmanteau/omnibus/anthology film — gee, I wish we’d come up with one single way to describe these horror anthology films. This one had a really bad reputation and I knew that going in. And yeah . . . it kinda deserved that reputation. Even though each story lasted only about 5 minutes, it STILL seemed like it went on forever and was mostly very dull. It’s also annoying that a movie called CREEPYPASTA didn’t feature a single story that was even remotely related to an actual creepypasta. Really bad and I can’t recommend this one.
DEADLY EYES – OK, here’s one I’ve been wanting to watch for years but it doesn’t have a release in the U.S. (I had to import a foreign dvd to watch the bastid). This is the 1982 film adaptation of James Herbert’s epoch-shaking novel THE RATS and yes, it’s a co-production between Canada & Hong Kong (none other than Bruce Lee’s studio Golden Harvest co-produced this). The director is also the guy who gave us ENTER THE DRAGON: Robert Clouse. Wow, this is the second Robert Clouse flick on this list; he also helmed GOLDEN NEEDLES! This is MUCH better that that film, though. I absolutely loved this with those giant rats switching back and forth between apparently dogs with bathroom carpets draped over them (a la THE KILLER SHREWS) and adorable muppet-like puppets! Yep, corn grain contaminated by steroids has caused rats to mutate and grow and become peckish for humans. The movie opens with a baby in a highchair being dragged off by rats to be devoured and what could herald a trashier good time than that?!?!?! I love this film!
QUEEN OF THE DEUCE – the only documentary on this list, I watched it for GarbAugust because it’s about Chelly Wilson; the old lady who was the owner/operator of several porn theatres on New York’s 42nd Street during the grimiest period of the 1970s to early 80’s. Chelly was a helluva character and made no apologies for her profession and anyone who didn’t like it could go to hell basically. This was a really great doc about a place and time which no longer exists.
SATAN AND THE VIRGIN – This is 1 5 minute long 1948 . . . I don’t know what . . . that is a special feature on the Something Weird DVD of SATAN IN HIGH HEELS. Basically it’s a woman with a life-size Devil mannikin attached to her side which she causes to paw her and make out with her for 5 minutes. I mean, what audience is THIS for??? Trashy to be sure but it’s not even approaching soft core or anything; it’s just odd, slightly uncomfortable and baffling as all get out. The past was indeed a foreign country.

Managed to cross off quite a few on the ole Bingo Card!

Now it’s on to the books I read. And let me tell ya, I had a blast with every book I read. Many of them are genres of books I’ve never read before but picked up for GarbAugust because they epitomized the trashy novel-type beach-read paperbacks of yore which are kinda what GarbAugust is all about. We’re talking men’s adventure, spy, western, kung fu and bizarro sleaze fiction to name a few! And there wasn’t a clunker amongst them!

MEN’S ADVENTURE QUARTERLY: VOL. 1 NO. 1, THE MOST WANTED WILD WEST ISSUE! – I’ve read a couple books from the Men’s Adventure Library by Bob Deis & Bill Cunningham but I only recently discovered they were publishing a quarterly tome reprinting the art and stories of classic MAMs from the 50s thru the 70’s; each issue featuring a different ‘genre’. This first issue (I subsequently bought all 10 that have been released thus far) focusses on the western MAMs and it was absolutely fantastic! Never in my life have I read western fiction but that has now changed. I loved every page of this (and at 156 pages it’s more of a book than a magazine). Hell, some of the actual books I read were shorter than this so-called magazine. Absolutely stunning!
THE FINAL GATE by Wesley Southard & Lucas Mangum – Brand new horror novel which takes as it’s inspiration the Italian horror films of Lucio Fulci. And I must say, that’s absolutely true. In fact, one character who appears in the first chapter is a janitor/handyman named Bob and you can’t tell me he’s the same ‘Bob’ who infamously appeared as a little kid in THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY! Blurb: “Something is terrifying the residents of St. Luke’s Orphanage. Gurgling moans echo through the hallways. Hulking shapes lurk in the surrounding woods. And those who wake in the morning will find one less child under their roof… Brandon and his girlfriend, Jillian, believe his younger brother is in serious danger. Even though the caretakers at St. Luke’s told them that he’s been adopted, Brandon has his doubts. With the help of a friend and a mysterious guide, they will do whatever it takes to find out just what is happening inside the orphanage walls…and at the bottom of the basement steps… From Splatterpunk Award-Winning author Wesley Southard and Splatterpunk Award-Nominated author Lucas Mangum comes The Final Gate , the ultimate tribute to Italian horror master Lucio Fulci. With blood, guts, and all the nightmarish madness you’d expect from the Godfather of Gore himself, Southard and Mangum present a loving homage to spaghetti splatter and the glory of 1980’s Euro horror.“
ABLE TEAM #10: ROYAL FLUSH by Dick Stivers. – Yeah, that’s a house name. This book is part of a series of action/spy adventure novels that are actually as spin-off from the Mack Bolan THE EXECUTIONER book series (which I’ve still not read yet but I’m a-gonna). The plot of this rings a few bells is you’ve ever read/seen Tom Clancy’s PATRIOT GAMES — but Clancy’s book came out a couple years after this one. Hmmm. Blurb: “Able Team’s mission: a cocaine bust in Manhattan. But a crooked trail soon takes the three aces of death to Windsor Castle in England. Able Team discovers that the fanatical Irish National Army of Liberation will attack the Royal Family in two days. . . .U.S. agent Leo Turrin, already in London to find an infiltrator in the British counterterror network, gets some wild help as the American hotshots make meat stew out of ruthless attackers. No quarter is spared. Justice by fire, worldwide!”
GUNSWIFT by Theodore V. Olsen – The first western novel I’ve ever read and this was awesome too! A total revenge story about a guy who has his entire family massacred by a bunch of marauders and his quest to hunt them all down and kill them. I mean, nothing original here but awesome anyway! Blurb: “They had reduced him home to ashes, killed off his family. Now he’d give them a taste of hell!”
THE HAUNTED VAGINA by Carlton Mellick III – Oh yeah, I’ve ventured into the bizarro fiction of CM3 and oh boy was it a great time!!! I mean, there’s nothing else like it. Blurb: “It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead. Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy’s pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees. When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return… especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy’s legs.”
SHATNER QUAKE by Jeff Burk – And speaking of bizarre. This wasn’t quite the bizarro fiction of CM3 but close. While this wasn’t quite as bonkers as I was hoping it would be (and with a plot like this one had, that’s almost unbelievable), it was still a hoot! Blurb: “After a reality bomb goes off at the first ever ShatnerCon, all of the characters ever played by William Shatner are suddenly sucked into our world. Their mission: hunt down and destroy the real William Shatner. Featuring: Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane, Priceline Shatner, Cartoon Kirk, Rescue 9-1-1 Shatner, singer Shatner, and many more. No costumed con-goer will be spared in their wave of destruction, no red shirt will make it out alive, and not even the Klingons will be able to stand up to a deranged Captain Kirk with a light saber. But these Shatner- clones are about to learn a hard lesson . . . that the real William Shatner doesn’t take crap from anybody. Not even himself.”
HERE’S TO MY SWEET SATAN: HOW THE OCCULT HAUNTED MUSIC, MOVIES, AND POP CULTURE, 1966-1980 by George Case – This non-fiction book was suggested by Alex the Bookubus who also had it on her TBR and it sounds right up my street, doesn’t it? As a kid who grew up in the 1970’s, I can attest that the occult was everywhere in popular culture and it was awesome! Horror movies, horror comic books, horror fiction, horror everything! While this study wasn’t quite as awesome as I’d hoped, it was still darn good! Blurb: “A sweeping and masterful cultural history, “Here’s to My Sweet Satan” tells how the Occult conquered the American imagination, weaving together topics as diverse as the birth of heavy metal, 1970s horror films, the New Age movement, Count Chocula cereal, the serial killer Son of Sam, and more. Cultural critic George Case explores how the Occult craze permanently changed American society, creating the cultural framework for the political power of the religious right, false accusations of Satanic child abuse, and today’s widespread rejection of science and rationality. An insightful blend of pop culture and social history, “Here’s to My Sweet Satan” lucidly explains how the most technological society on earth became enthralled by the supernatural.”
KUNG FU FEATURING MACE #1: THE YEAR OF THE TIGER by Lee Chang – Yeah, this is also a house name. The first in a series of action novels starring kung fu master Mace which began in 1973 at the height of the kung fu and Bruce Lee craze. Each book is titled after one of the Chinese ‘years’ — and yes, I bought the first 3 books in the series which I’ll be reading and I’m desperately trying to track down a copy of “The Year of the Cock”! Blurb: “A big score of “H” on the high seas, but the San Francisco Mafia needed a respectable boat to make the transfer. Ho Li Wing and his fishing vessel Dragonwind were picked. Too bad they didn’t realize Wing had a visitor from Hong Kong—his Eurasian nephew, Mace, who was a Kung Fu Master.”
KILL BALL by Carlton Mellick III – Oh no, CM3 makes his second appearance during GarbAugust . . . and I couldn’t be happier about it. This is the book which was recommended by Kelsi at the Slime & Slashers youtuberz channel which she read and had a helluva good time. Once again, we have the most bizarre premise for a book ever but Mellick treats the plot seriously and writes a real, actual book about it! Blurb: “In a city where everyone lives inside of plastic bubbles, there is no such thing as intimacy. A husband can no longer kiss his wife. A mother can no longer hug her children. To do this would mean instant death. Ever since the disease swept across the globe, we have become isolated within our own personal plastic prison cells, rolling aimlessly through rubber streets in what are essentially man-sized hamster balls. Colin Hinchcliff longs for the touch of another human being. He can’t handle the loneliness, the confinement, and he’s horribly claustrophobic. The only thing keeping him going is his unrequited love for an exotic dancer named Siren, a woman who has never seen his face, doesn’t even know his name. But when The Kill Ball, a serial slasher in a black leather sphere, begins targeting women at Siren’s club, Colin decides he has to do whatever it takes in order to protect her… even if he has to break out of his bubble and risk everything to do it.”
CHERRY DELIGHT: SEXECUTIONER #28: MOORLAND MONSTER by Glen Chase – yep, still another pseudonym as these paperback series often used. As you can probably tell, this is a series of ‘saucy spy’ novels featuring a female spy named ‘Cherry Delight’ who used to be a member of the spy organisation N.Y.M.P.H.O. but now she works for D.U.E. I mean, I guess the cold war stuff was not de rigeur by 1977 (when this came out) and more spooky fare was called for. This book is great as well with Cherry travelling to Cornwall where a horrible, shaggy beast is roaming the moors killing people — and it’s possibly the mutant offspring of the local nobility (think HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES). This was absolutely great; sorta a Scooby-Doo episode with naughty bits. The nice part is the male pseudonym is actually for a female writer: Rochelle Larkin. Blurb: “The Thing on the Moor. A frightful monster was terrorizing Bodmin Moor and Scotland Yard hadn’t come up with any answers. Cherry Delight, top agent for D.U.E. (Department of Unusual Events) was vacationing in Britain and they asked her to help. Cherry couldn’t say no to her old pals at the Yard. Even so, it was no picnic chasing monsters on the dark, lonely moor. But Cherry accepted the assignment, as she does every assignment, like a real pro.”
HOT LEAD ISSUE ONE: THE FANZINE OF VINTAGE WESTERN PAPERBACKS by Justin Marriott, ed. – After the MEN’S ADVENTURE QUARTERLY western issue and the GUNSWIFT novel, I grabbed the first issue of this mag by “The Paperback Fanatic” Justin Marriott (whose mag I’ve been reading for years) especially since it has an article focussing on the Edge books (a couple of which I’m about to read for myself) and the British authors known as ‘The Piccadilly Cowboys’ who never went further west than London. Blurb: ” The fanzine of vintage western paperbacks. 60 pages full colour. Debut issue traces the Piccadilly Cowboys phenomenon, with reviews, articles and interviews on the controversial western paperbacks perhaps best typified by the George Gilman Edge series.”
MANEATERS: KILLER SHARKS IN MEN’S ADVENTURE MAGAZINE by Bob Deis & Wyatt Doyle – Speaking of MAMs, here’s a beautiful hardcover book from their ‘Men’s Adventure Library’ series featuring all shark attack stories from the MAMs of the 50s, 60s and 70s (including the stunning artwork that accompanied them). This nearly 200 page tome may feature stories which are somewhat samey (I mean, how many variations can you have of people shipwrecked or plane-wrecked in the ocean only to be chomped on by sharks???), but it’s still an excellent read ESPECIALLY for the summer months. Talk about a trashy beach read; just stay well away from the water when you plop down your beach chair! Blurb: “Summertime. When thoughts turn to sun, sand, surf… and sharks! Just in time for beach season, Men’s Adventure Library editors Robert Deis and Wyatt Doyle dive deep into long unseen shark-themed pulp fiction and savage full-color illustration art drawn from three decades of classic men’s adventure magazines (or MAMs ), most out of print since their original publication. In addition, these graphic, action-packed tales of shark encounters are paired with commentary and mythbusting by a celebrated panel of contemporary shark experts who separate the stories’ fact from fiction. “My God, the Sharks Got the Women!”…”Shark-Battling Dolphins Saved My Life”…”A Man-Eating Shark Pack Against Scuba Divers”…”The Headhunting Shark That Destroyed a Texas Family”…”The Sharks Got My Legs”… Wild, untamed shark fiction and hard-nosed shark science collide in one high-octane, full color collection. There’s never been a book like it! Sharks and hard-boiled shark hysteria were an integral part of MAMs from the very beginning, regularly appearing as villains across the magazines’ three-decade lifespan, in stories by the likes of GODFATHER author Mario Puzo and Robert Edmond Alter , and in the killer covers and interior art by pantheon illustration artists like Mort Künstler and Samson Pollen . In addition to expert commentary and critiques, a preface by Steve Cheskin , creator of Discovery’s Shark Week , and an afterword by MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS director “Ace Hannah” ( Jack Perez ) affirm the sturdy bloodlines between the shark terror of yesterday and today’s sharkmania. Sink your teeth in.“

As it’s now September, and spooky season is not far away (with the accompanying COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN on the horizon), I’m gonna take a break from readathon/watchathons for this month. However, I know Kelsi & Co. and planning an October Halloweeny readathon/watchathon and I wouldn’t be surprised if that sucked me in as well.