What is Grey Stoneing?

A new way to deal with abuse

Pexels-skylar-kang-6044813 (1).jpeg

We all encounter people in our daily activities who cross boundaries. I have learned that most are not aware that they are doing so, because it has been happening to them since childhood and they are simply repeating patterns.

However, repeated or sudden personal exploitation (abuse) manifested in emotional and mental manipulation (blaming and guilt, insults and devalidation, projection and demoralization) can be disorienting both temporarily and in the long term.

To gain some measure of control in these situations, some abuse survivors are introduced to a new approach called “grey-stoning,” which can become a trusted ally for victims of mental and emotional abuse.

Grey stoning is a new method of reduced communication proposed for dealing with narcissistic abusers or individuals who unconsciously abuse others, with or without a psychological diagnosis.

Deactivate The thrill that abusers experience from hurting us, or the often nasty emotional entanglements that arise from repeated cycles of manipulation, are a way of surviving when you are unable to leave an abuser or are continually exposed to him or her against your will.

The idea is to make yourself as unattractive as possible to the abuser. This is done by withholding personal or sensitive information, avoiding extensive communication (yes or no/short answers), and limiting all other forms of communication as much as possible (leaving texts and phone calls without responding immediately).

Reduced facial and vocal variations in response to an abuser’s actions effectively disorient them, creating space for an atmosphere free of tension, if only for a moment.

Scott Carter, a licensed therapist, explains the aspects of grey-stoning:

https://medium.com/media/88eb62f3ac82f53b40cc9bf18569672c/href

I tried it myself temporarily with the following results:

• The narcissist looks like a ‘deer in the headlights’.
• The narcissist immediately left the room and remained gone for some time.
• The narcissist later used confusing antagonization.

The effectiveness of Grey Stoning has not been clinically tested and can have negative and positive consequences. For example, the abuser may increase his narcissistic and manipulative methods or the victim of abuse may gain ground in the boundaries.

It is also worth mentioning that physical abuse is always a risk when confronting abusers, even dispassionately or diplomatically. Here is a useful resource if you need help.

Victims of abuse in their abusive environment rarely have the opportunity for autonomy, other than taking the leap to seek help (which can be a difficult process). If this new method empowers a person during potentially abusive verbal skirmishes, then it is a step in the right direction to gain ground within the abusive relationship.

I use it occasionally and for the time being at least it serves as a smokescreen.

I don’t know what would have happened if I had used this technique consistently. It is very difficult to implement grey stoning in the abusive environment where your vulnerability is exploited minute by minute, so my personal attempt was short-lived.

But as my therapist said, “It’s worth a try.”

I think he is right.

If you liked my articles, please also read the other articles I have written:

• Can Deep Self-Condemnation Cause or Fuel OCD?
• How Past Sexual Abuse Can Manifest as (Harmful) OCD

What is Grey Stoning? was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people continued the conversation by bookmarking and commenting on this story.