Pembroke Mafia Football League: Brought to you by the letter ‘B’

Jeff Witten

Columnist

Hello and welcome to week 2 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the world’s foremost authority on all things that begin with the letter “B.” That means that we in the PMFL are individually and collectively expert witnesses (certified to testify in court) on billygoats and beans and bananas and beets and bust halters and bats and belfries and Bryan counties and Boston butts and Bigfoots.

And bees. And boob singular, which is how a certain retired high school football coach I know described a certain Savannah TV sports commentator. As in, “He’s a boob on the tube, hahahah,” but that’s just one of the billions of reasons why they call TV the boob tube.

And here, an aside: The boob singular is bad, or if not bad, then certainly not good, although sometimes funny. The plural boob can be something quite different and more interesting.

I’ll be quiet. Retired Navy hero BJ Clark, who is not a tit, makes this stuff up. I’m just typing. Bars. Bingo. Billionaires. Bungee jumping. Bouncing Bettys. Big bankers. Baggy pants. Beer.

Results from last week:

District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington had a perfect week to kick off the 2024 season. That’s because that cardboard box in his backyard really was a magical time machine. Noah used it to go to the future, get the scores, return to the present, and make his picks. Unfortunately, he also brought back a few crabby Morlocks and had to set the box on fire to keep them from getting loose and wandering around Pembroke looking for developers to do bad things to. Now Noah will either have to find another magical cardboard box or miss out on picks like the rest of us.

Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, is in second place with only one miss. BJ, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, and I are in third place with two misses each. Last week I accidentally typed that Ben is the county manager. No, no, no sir. Ben is a county administrator, which means he doesn’t manage. He administers, honey. There’s a difference, obviously.

Fourth place goes to Mike Clark, who will be wearing parakeet smugglers and becoming a TikTok influencer. District 1 County Commissioner-elect Alex Floyd, former Bryan County Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, Dr. Gene Wallace, retired dentist and PMFL spiritual advisor the Rev. Lawrence Butler are all tied with three misses each.

Retired Bryan County Fire Chief Friendly Freddy Howell had four misses, while County Commission Chairman Carter “Preparation H” Infinger had five, one of which was when he took Clemson over Georgia.

Sorry, Mr. Chairman, but that would never happen, because Dabo Swinney is a human hamster pretending to be a football coach. Rumor has it that he is almost completely covered in hair from his ears down. Sort of like Lassie, except in the summer, when he reportedly shaves his entire body and walks around South Carolina Upstate in nothing but a pair of Bermuda shorts that look like the skin on Florida coach Billy Napier’s head. And I said reportedly, Clemson people. That means it’s probably true.

This week’s games: Georgia Southern vs. Nevada: Mike Brown and Ted are taking on Nebraska, according to BJ, who’s got his states that start with the letter N mixed up. Luckily, I’m here to help him out. There’s Nebraska, and Nevada, and Nova Scotia, and Newfoundland, and Nepal, and Narnia. Glad I could help.

Texas near Michigan: Alex and Carter take Michigan, which is also a lake.

California vs. Auburn: Everyone Picks BJ’s Favorite SEC Team, WAR DAMN BEAGLE!!

South Carolina vs. Kentucky: After reading the first volume of Shelby Foote’s history of the War Between the States – also known by Granny Clampett as the war when the Yankees invaded America – I’m not even sure why Kentucky is allowed in the SEC, especially given its proximity to Ohio (often referred to as the Trailer Park of the Midwest). Hahaha, just kidding. That aside, me, Mike Clark, Ben and Gene are taking Carolina. That’s because we have couth. Look it up.

Temple on Navy: Freddy from Waycross takes Temple with him. Sometimes he calls Paul Finebaum to explain and argue with Bubba-Sue from Alabama, but Paul can’t understand Freddy because Freddy talks like he’s from a swamp and has the world’s largest unexplored nasal cavity – which he did, and still does. “Nanner puddingses dem Dawgus widdle bootleflap Bammerses dern pineycone and sarted on far!” That’s also what he calls Wildcat games.

Marshall at Virginia Tech: Carter goes out alone to go with the herd.

Tennessee at North Carolina State: Freddy and I take the Wolfpack, or as Freddy calls them, “Woofasaurs.”

Michigan State at Maryland: Mike Brown, Ben and Carter take on the Terpins. Ted, by the way, is a Michigan State alum and wins all sorts of press awards out there in the frozen tundra of East Lansing. He’s also 11-foot-2 and never needs to be repotted.

Baylor at Utah: Alex, Rev. Butler and Freddy take on Baylor – which is one of those B-words, like brownies, bagels, boomboxes, bon voyages, biscuits, bobby socks and banana pudding.

Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News and is as dumb as he looks and writes.