Pembroke Mafia Football League: Back to abnormal

Jeff Whitten, columnist.

Welcome to another episode of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and I hope you hang in there and enjoy the weirdness – because life, in all its infinite varieties, certainly rolls downhill into strange territory.

Or maybe life as we know it has always been bizarre if we lived in the moment, and we modern thinkers suffer from what sportscasters call recency bias, which makes us tend to judge our time more stupidly than any other time in recorded history .

How else can you explain anything – from the rash of man bun hairstyles (hahaha) to people shopping in their pajamas?

Or the weirdo Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, who apparently thinks “they” controlled the weather in such a way that Helene was ripped off, or something like that that apparently only liberals can figure out how to do.

To be fair, there are some weird Democrats too, including the cat running for vice president. Although they are not nearly as funny.

But there does seem to be a three-name thing going on among those “look at me and what I do” types who are apparently running for attention because the Republican Party has MTG and the Democrats have AOC, which is somewhat short. is. for Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez.

But ultimately, look at their eyes. If there is a strange light in their eyes, do not make eye contact. Just drive away.

Note: This is a public service announcement. The following sentence weighs 79 words without a period.

While some of us naturally tend to blame loud, obnoxious Yankees for all of life’s ills in the South today, it’s important to remember that just a few years ago the grocery stores in Richmond Hill were filled to the brim with women and the occasional guy dressed in various types of spandex. get-ups (and some of them should have at least opted for mu-mus), all pink and running shoes, as if bouncing down the aisles and carrying a buggy full of overpriced shoes was somehow a workout loading organic foods.

Note: In reality, 79 words is nothing compared to a lede – that’s newspaper talk before the first sentence of a story – once unleashed on the universe by the great peanut advocate Tyron Spearman.

Spearman, by the way, is a member of the Georgia Peanut Hall of Fame, and in the early 2000s or perhaps late 1990s, he wrote a single sentence that began a story that lasted a whopping ninety words, with minimal punctuation. (or none at all, except the period at the end) as I remember.

I clung to a copy of the newspaper (a peanut trade publication, I think) in which it appeared for years, amazed by its audacity to be long-winded at a time when the ideal lede should be about 25 words. It literally took your breath away when you tried to read Tyron’s opening line out loud.

You’re out of breath, that’s what you got.

We didn’t have PMFL last week because many of us didn’t have the opportunity to watch football. But we are a resilient bunch, we members of the Pembroke Mafia Football League. Survivors, not victims. And our fearless leader, Admiral Petty Officer (Ret.) BJ Clark, likes to wear spandex skivvies when he shops. But he never changes clothes, so he also wears spandex when he’s not shopping, and hides in the bushes to sneak up on birds.

Position:

BJ, who is keeping score, is tied with District 1 commissioner Noah Covington for first place with just 13 misses so far. Noah, as you may know, is a wonderful person. He’s stepping away from local politics to delve into the new goat sport as commissioner of the new Pembroke Mafia Goat Toting League, because, well, someone has to do it. Stay up to date here with all the goat goat news you’ll ever need.

In second place with 14 misses is the incomparable Rev. Lawrence Butler, our spiritual advisor and the only one of us who has his own church. Amen and pass the goat.

Try to make it into a spiral.

District 5 county commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD, FDIC, HTTPS and ETC, is tied with County Administrator Ben “Pocket Rocket” Taylor for third place, with 15 misses. Ben is known for his ability to outwit, outwit, and defeat anyone of a similar height of four feet in the universe.

Mike “Groupie Magnet” Clark, the only one of us who could get away with wearing spandex in public, ranks fourth with 16 misses. Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter who still practices the arcane art of sports writing, joins in – oops, wait. Mike Brown is fourth with 16 misses, and Mike Clark is fifth with 17 misses.

Sorry, I misread the email. But if anyone can send an email that looks like it was written in Chinese by a drunk squirrel, it’s BJ. He used to fool the Viet Cong with that kind of spycraft.

In sixth place is your faithful and award-winning journalist Ted O’Neil with 18 misses so far. Ted is from Michigan. You could tell because when he worked at the BCN – that’s short for Bryan County News, all reputable newspapers do that – Ted would leave the air conditioning in the office on 45 and complain about how hot it was.

In seventh place is incoming District 1 County Commissioner Alex “Pretty Boy” Floyd, who is plotting something tricky regarding trees and fee collection, while County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pontifaxius Perspex, or the old PPP” Infinger is in in eighth place, retired fire chief Freddy Howell comes in last, overtaking Carter thanks to his (Freddy’s) record-breaking week of 10 misses.

Holy smoke. Or, as Freddy would say: “Daggum it! Shoot far! Sum cookies!!”

This week’s games:

• Mississippi State at UGA: I’ll take Mississippi State. Yes, I’m stupid, but I don’t like UGA. Everyone else takes the puppies.

• Florida in Tennessee: I’m stupid again, I’ll take Florida while the rest of our crew takes the volunteers. I think the Gators have to win at some point, and Tennessee seemed to be beating Arkansas.

• Purdue at Illinois: Mike Clark, Noah, Alex and the Infinger pick the Boilermakers.

• Kansas State in Colorado: BJ Rev. Lawrence, me, Ted, Dr.

Gene, Carter and Freddy take the Buffaloes. That’s Prime, honey, now pass the cowboy hat and sunglasses.

• South Carolina vs. Bammer: I’m all on my own and picking the real USC to upset Bama. But then I’m used to suffering.

• Stanford at Notre Dame: Alex, who knows less about football than anything in the world, takes Stanford, one of those places where smart people who don’t care about football go.

Unlike those places where smart people don’t go, like UGA. Or Clemson. Or Ohio State.

• Coastal Carolina at James Madison: True story, in my wayward, wasted youth I went to Coastal for a semester. Mostly I went to the beach. Anyway, Carter, Freddy and yours truly choose the Chanticleers for the GATA.

• New Mexico Air Force: Ted and I take the Lobos.

• Marshall at Georgia Southern:

Even Mike Brown, a Marshall alum, takes the Iggles, so it’s unanimous. GATA.

It’s a shawl. I hope you are well and don’t forget to renew your subscription to the BCN or another local newspaper of your choice. Don’t forget to be kind to children, old people and animals.

Jeff Whitten, now retired, was previously editor-in-chief of the Bryan County News. Go Dawgs! (This post is brought to you by the current editor, who likes to be a nuisance, like most Georgia college graduates.