MAGA Dolphins Wives, Mexican Shape-Shifter, Tech Bro and Costco Caleb Williams

Oh, hello there. I bet you didn’t expect to see me here today.

Our friend Zach Dean is safe, but is currently without power after being pelted by Hurricane Milton in Florida. That’s why he entrusted me with today’s Nightcaps.

I hope all of our readers in Florida are safe and sound today and that rebuilding can happen quickly.

Unless you’re the person who left that poor dog to die along I-75 in Tampa. In that case, I hope someone tied you to a post somewhere on the side of the road.

Pets are family. Whether you’re moving to a new apartment, traveling, or fleeing a natural disaster, take your babies with you.

And now that that public service announcement is out of the way, let’s get started, shall we?

It’s Friday Junior! Sit back and crack open a cold one. It’s time for nightcaps!

Miami Dolphins Wives go full MAGA

The Swifties who disowned Brittany Mahomes after she liked a Donald Trump post on Instagram are really going to hate the Miami Dolphins.

As Hurricane Milton pounded Florida, several Dolphins WAGs not only showed their support for Trump, but also expressed their disdain for his presidential opponent, Vice President Kamala Harris.

While Kamala was filming sex podcasts, chatting with the wretched witches The view and clinking beer cans with Stephen Colbert, evil villains like Trump and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis were hard at work providing aid to citizens in Milton’s path. And that includes Dolphins players and their families.

On Wednesday, Annah Tagovailoa (Tua’s wife, of course) shared a tweet from media personality Benny Johnson about Trump hosting hundreds of linemen at his resort for free.

“President Trump is housing 275 Florida linemen for free at his Doral Miami resort ahead of Hurricane Milton’s landfall,” the release said. “My president.”

(Instagram: @annahtagovailoa)

Of course, that is not necessarily an outright endorsement of Trump by Ms. Tagovailoa. But I’m old enough to remember a time when even sharing something positive about the Orange Man would be enough to get you parading down the street to the beat of a Shame Bell.

But not anymore, baby!

And soon after, running back Raheem Mostert’s wife, Devon, intervened. Devon responded to Kamala’s whining about DeSantis not wanting to chat with her in the cubicle while he was busy preparing his state for what was billed as a “once-in-a-generation thunderstorm.”

“She’s trash. Textbook trash,” Devon wrote on her Instagram Story. “No one has time, Kamala – especially when she says some bulls say, ‘we can be, unburdened by what has been.’”

(Instagram: @devonmostert)

All right, Devon – with the piledriver from the top rope!

And Jordan Poyer’s wife also supported her.

“All my girls on the Dolphins pass the atmosphere check,” Rachel wrote on X in response to Devon’s post. “Loud and proud baby.”

Good for the Dolphins WAGs for bravely staring into the face of both the hurricane and the waking crowd.

If only we could make Miami Dolphins FOOTBALL great again.

Costco Brand Caleb Williams

Speaking of bad football, let’s take a look at the Chicago Bears.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. The Bears are a respectable 3-2 and, whether you like his manicure or not, at least quarterback Caleb Williams isn’t currently suffering from a concussion for the umpteenth time in his career.

However, there is something strange about him. At least there’s something strange about this cool Costco wall decor.

Do you notice anything?

That’s right, my eagle-eyed readers. That is NOT Caleb Williams. That’s Caleb Williams’ face and number photoshopped onto Justin Fields’ body.

Listen, times are tough. And if Costco wants to keep selling hot dogs for $1.50, they have to cut corners somewhere.

Tech Bros never rests

We may have found the worst LinkedIn post ever.

I hate LinkedIn. Really and truly. I’m not even sure why I have an account, other than when I was applying for jobs it was easier to refer potential employers there than retyping my resume a hundred times and launching it into a black hole.

But whose idea was it to create a social media platform where we all talk about work? I scroll on TikTok to get away from reality, not to post how proud I am of my colleagues for meeting their KPIs. LinkedIn is just an endless stream of super fake, corporate rah-rah and random strangers emailing you about “an opportunity I think you would be perfect for!” When in reality that opportunity is just a real estate scam or an MLM selling overpriced soap.

I’m going to tell you right now: if you message me on LinkedIn, I will read it with the urgency of an injured turtle crossing the Sahara.

Anyway, let’s get to that post I referenced earlier.

Torrey Leonard, the co-founder of an AI company, posted on LinkedIn a compliment to his other co-founder, Casey Mackrell, for pulling out his laptop and working during his wedding.

“My co-founder Casey has built a reputation as ‘the guy who sits on his laptop in bars’ from SF to NYC,” Torrey wrote. “Last week, Thoughtly signed a client that needed to launch in two weeks. He just happened to be getting married within that two-week window… So here he is completing a pull request. At his own wedding.”

The post was accompanied by a photo of Casey in a suit sitting at a table with his laptop in front of apparently dancing wedding guests.

If I were his bride, that guy would *accidentally* find a glass of champagne on his keyboard.

Laptop not working… you not working.

Look, I’m all about hard work. And I have also been known to pull out my computer at inopportune times to run a command. I also understand that there are certain professions — like, I don’t know, heart surgeons and first responders — that don’t have the luxury of just putting their phones on silent whenever they want.

But there’s no chance that onboarding a new customer for an AI company warrants an emergency in the middle of your own damn wedding.

So relax, tech bros. There is no trophy for most time working and least time enjoying life.

I hope that laptop stayed at home during the honeymoon. But I have a feeling that wasn’t the case.

What’s going on in Mexico?

I mean, except for the drug cartels and all-inclusive beach resorts.

A little background: In February 2023, then-President of Mexico Andrés Manuel López Obrador tweeted a photo of what he claimed to be a mythical wood elf.

“I’m sharing two photos from our surveillance of the Mayan train works,” he wrote. ‘One, made by an engineer three days ago, apparently out of luxury; another by Diego Prieto of a beautiful pre-Hispanic sculpture in Ek Balam. Everything is mystical.’

According to ancient Mayan folklore, an aluxe is a small, mischievous elf that lives in the forest. He likes to prank people, such as hiding their belongings.

At the time, we all thought Señor Obrador might have just gotten his hands on some of those special Aaron Rodgers portobellos. But maybe he was on to something. Maybe there is there’s a lot of mystical stuff happening south of the border.

Watch:

It’s a real shame that we can’t find Ultra HD cameras to track Bigfoot, Loch Ness and mystical forest creatures in the Year of Our Lord 2024. But did you see how that dog magically turned into a human?!

Naturally, I consulted my old friend Google to solve this mystery for you.

In ancient Mayan culture, there were things called Naguales: human beings who had the power to shape-shift into their tonal animal counterparts. Apparently the tonally represented their everyday consciousness and ego, and the nagual represented their deeper, limitless self. So it’s clear that here we have a Nagual who identifies as a good boy.

The process of shapeshifting (according to legend) was first taught to them by a powerful sorceress who could assume any of four body forms at any time.

My research also shows that the practice of nagualism often involved the use of hallucinogens, such as peyote, ololiuqui, and psilocybin mushrooms. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

Anyway, I’m almost certain we caught a few shapeshifters red-handed here:

I love seeing some cockatoos make my dream come true.