‘Trump can’t lose because he was chosen by God’ – Toby Neal

If Donald Trump didn’t believe it before, after the miracle of Butler Farm he will certainly believe that he was specially chosen by God.

There are plenty of examples of people who left their mark on history while believing it was their destiny, that they had special protection, or both.

When Churchill became Prime Minister in Britain’s darkest hour in 1940, he believed his whole life had been a preparation for that moment. As a young man, he had come close to death several times.

Charles de Gaulle survived about 30 attempts on his life. His narrowest escape came when assassins attacked his car in 1962, shooting him 14 times in a barrage of automatic weapons. De Gaulle and his wife escaped unharmed, as did his entire entourage, despite nearly 200 bullets being fired.

During the First World War, soldiers serving under the future Field Marshal Alexander – he became Montgomery’s boss – are said to have literally followed in the footsteps of the young officer who seemed to lead a privileged life, hoping that they would be similarly protected from gunfire and shells.

If the shooter’s bullet had hit Butler Farm, the effect on America would have been incalculable. Some have even gone so far as to say that civil war was narrowly averted.

Biden is a concern now, so what he looks like in two or three years is an even bigger concern. Let’s hope the nuclear button never gets anywhere near the button he uses to order his bedtime cocoa.

As for Trump, he’s a woman-hating, neo-Nazi sympathizing sociopath and a tyrant in a toupee, and that’s according to Britain’s top diplomat, David Lammy. So if – when – Trump becomes president, the dynamics of the “special relationship” will be interesting, especially if his running mate thinks the UK is the first Muslim country with nuclear weapons.

At home there is a crisis in the NHS, in prisons and then there is the small boat crisis… Is it too early to talk of “14 days of chaos under Labour”?

Labour’s plans were outlined at the State Opening of Parliament, which will henceforth be known as the Great British State Opening of Parliament as part of a masterplan to make things sound better by putting the words “Great British” in front of them. Like Bakeoff.

There is no mention of the Great British Countryside though, because when Labour is done with it, there will be nothing left. I do have a suggestion to solve the housing crisis, and that involves converting the vast number of empty buildings into houses or flats, bringing valuable property back to life and giving people a home, without having to bury green fields under stones.

Sir Keir has called a big meeting of European leaders that will bring back fond memories and raise hopes. If they treat the Prime Minister with contemptuous disdain and offer him a cake without cherries, it will be just like the good old days when Britain was in the EU.

This week we also had a first presentation of the Covid research, and people hope that this will reveal the lessons that we can learn.

One possible lesson we can learn from this is that we need warehouses full of personal protective equipment to be prepared for the next pandemic.

Then comes the next pandemic, but in a completely different form than Covid. Then the PPE is no longer needed and there is a scandal about the huge amounts of government money spent on useless equipment that has ended up in landfill.

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We wish everyone who succeeds Gareth Southgate as England manager the best of luck.

For the abuse you get, the job isn’t worth the money. I’m going to nominate Alan Shearer for the role, because I’ve seen him and can tell he’s an expert.

There is a vacancy for a football analyst and I am tempted to apply, having exposed the reasons for England’s defeat to Spain.

They should have been more patient and played with more urgency.