Twins Trying To Trade Their Contingent of Beat Writers, Interesting Tepid At Best – Just For Fun

While many are hoping for the Twins to make a splash on the trade market before the 5 PM deadline Tuesday, the club might be content to merely shed some of the expense coming from their press box. While none of the beat writers are actually under contract with the team, it isn’t stopping the club’s decision-makers from trying like hell to send them to another organization.

“At the end of the day, we’re going to do what’s right for our team,” said Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey. “And right now, nothing would make me happier than to clear some of the dead weight from the hounds that won’t stop bothering me every day.”

A lot of questions have surfaced since rumors started swirling about the Twins calling other teams to gauge interest in names such as Dan Hayes of The Athletic, Phil Miller of the Star Tribune and Betsy Helfand of the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

What do they hope to get in return? Who do they expect to replace them if they are indeed traded? What sort of hard liquor have they ingested that led them to this point?

“Those are all valid questions and I can certainly understand the confusion,” Falvey said, as he submitted a post for a gently-used Bobby Nightengale on Facebook Marketplace. “But honestly, I’d take 50 cents on the dollar just to get them out of my sight.”

There have been a few teams who have expressed lukewarm interest in a couple of the writers, but they have insisted that the Twins include more prospect capital if they hope to move any of the beleaguered, disheveled, washed-up scribes.

“If we’re going to be saddled with Aaron Gleeman for the rest of the season, it’s going to take one of their top five prospects to sweeten the deal on our end,” said a source from an American League team who wished to remain nameless. “We like the chemistry we’ve created in our press box, and we don’t need him ruffling any feathers for nothing. We’re not going to make a trade just to make a trade – especially for some old coot with a bad hip.”

Gleeman is one of the few writers in this group who actually has a no-move clause that would need to be waived to push a deal across the finish line. It’s not so much a matter of him feeling loyalty to his hometown club, or holding out for a contract extension, but rather he simply does not like to move.

Among the writers who could potentially fetch a respectable return is Do-Hyoung Park, of MLB.com and Jeopardy! fame.

“I actually really like Do and I think he’s well-regarded around the league,” Falvey admitted. “But I can’t pass up the opportunity to sit him down in my office and give him the clue ‘this Twins’ beat reporter just got traded to the Tampa Bay Rays for a used 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme’ just to see the look on his know-it-all face.”

Falvey and the Twins are going to have to move fast if they hope to sell low on these writers, and the prospect of trading them all away leads to one last line of questioning for the club’s chief: If they are all traded, who is going to report these deals across Twins Territory? Will Twins Daily be first in line to replace them?

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve heard their off-day podcast,” Falvey said adamantly. “I wouldn’t let those hacks anywhere near the press box. They can swim in my pool but they can’t come in the house.”

Rude. Fair, but rude.