Horotropes: The fortunes and the furious

Racers, start your engines! This is it! The big race you’ve been training for, the race that will clear your family’s name and earn you the money you need to pay back that mafia boss. And we haven’t even talked about cementing your status as Devil Driver Extraordinaire yet! But remember, in the end, it’s all about family! Let’s take a look under the hood and see what the stars have in store.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Just when you think you’ve got it out of the way, those racing thugs pull you back in. But you’ve never shied away from a challenge. This month, you’ve got one last job, so grease those old gears Capricorn, it’s racing time!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Remember Aquarius, you’re not just hot, you’re a hot mechanic. There are two facets to your persona, but you’ll be damned if you don’t show them both this month. A character with many layers. Two, to be exact.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces, your intuition knows no bounds. This month you will have a hard time convincing these groups of complete strangers that they are not in fact family, but a polycule with an autohyperfixation.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Time for a change, Aries. This month you’ll feel the urge to shave your head completely, wear only dark tank tops, speak in a low, growling voice, and change your name to something bold like Ben Zine.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Realistically, your bike should have been completely destroyed three laps ago. You’re a piece of junk running on fumes, Taurus, but by God, you’ll see the finish line! Even if all you’re left with is a unicycle.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

After being kicked out of Reykjavik for your crimes, you’re on your way to becoming the rightful Drift Monarch of Akranes. The only thing standing in your way is a one-on-one drag race all the way through the Hvalfjörður Tunnel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re known for your sentimentality, Cancer, so this month you’ll be thinking back to your beautiful wife smiling and relaxing in bed with the sun shining down on her… eyes on the road, Cancer, EYES ON THE ROAD!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

LEEEEEEEOOOOO- LEEEEEEOOOO– LEEOO- LEEEEOOO- LEEEEEEEOOO- Ah shit! All the horoscopes just flew by. I think you missed them.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It’s heist time! To buy your freedom and protect yourself (and your cars) from the federal government and the mafia, you’ll have to pull off the mother of all operations. We’re talking parachutes, skyscraper climbing, ninjutsu, and basically anything that breaks the laws of physics. Godspeed.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

No matter how hard they try, they can’t tie you down, Libra. You’ll show up in the thick of the action for a cameo and a snarky one-liner, but in the end it’s just you and the sunset baby (plus that extra suitcase of cash you stole—but no one needs to know about that).

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This month everyone is wondering: Who is that mysterious biker under the helmet? What is your gender? What is your motive? Where did you learn to ride like that? What is with that katana?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’re a free spirit, Sagittarius, and no one should be able to keep you down. Wait, is that double-parked yellow Honda Fit yours? Sagittarius, they’re towing your car.

The Reykjavik Grapevine Horotropes give a glimpse of what the future holds. The words and content of these gasoline-induced visions are not to be taken as advice. The Grapevine is not responsible for any accidents, injuries or deaths caused by vehicles. Read more here.

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