Baby Reindeer is right about men – and victimhood

II am familiar with male survivors of the kind of sexual abuse, rape and sexual exploitation depicted in dramas. I have literally been the image.

But 10 minutes after I watched the last episode of Richard Gadd Baby reindeerI was still speechless. I know the story very well! I’ve read the book, seen the play, gotten the T-shirt – even heard it straight from the reindeer’s mouth.

But even with that familiarity, I still felt like I had never seen anything like it, and neither had anyone else. This was the very definition of groundbreaking, showing people the rarely seen, messy reality of male survivors like Donny, like Richard… like me.

As a male survivor of sexual abuse, rape and sexual exploitation, I have provided specific support to male survivors for the past 20 years through the charity I founded almost 16 years ago, We Are Survivors. I have been involved in developing government policy, strategy and even legislation. I have advised TV dramas that feature male survivors in storylines. I have seen the real impact of telling male survivors’ stories.

When Reynhard Sinaga, who raped over 200 (mostly heterosexual) men, hit the headlines as the most prolific rapist in British legal history, the media noise was deafening. When we read the Coronation Street In the David Platt rape story, the helpline saw an eighteen-fold increase in calls from men shouting #MeToo.

However, all of these crimes are currently classified as “violence against women and girls” (VAWG) and male victims are also lumped into this category – as victims of violence against women and girls. Surely that’s nonsense? There is no denying, despite the loud, angry voices of Men’s Rights Activists (known as MRAs), that women and girls clearly make up the majority of victims. The data confirms this. But what about Donny, Richard, David Platt, Reynhard Sinaga’s 200+ male victims, me? What about tackling sexual violence against men and boys?

If I ask this question I will bring accusations of “whataboutery” to my door, along with a barrage of hate on social media from some men saying I’m not a real man and a disgrace, and some women saying I’m trying to deflect the conversation or take the spotlight off women and girls. I’m used to it.

But to be clear, I am not asking to talk about male victims “instead” of women and girls. I am asking how do we view male victims and address the crimes against them?

When the annual VAWG report is published, words and images of women and girls are used, but the data also shows that approximately 13 percent of rape victims and 24 percent of child abuse victims are male. So why are we still using this terminology in 2024?

I think the answer is simple: because of the numbers, we remain stuck in a toxic gender norm of men as perpetrators and rarely as victims. Yet we do very little to try to develop a culture that encourages male victims to come forward, and so the cycle continues: few men are seen in the data set, so we don’t talk about them, but because we don’t talk about them, few men step forward to be counted in the data set. If we don’t have the data, we’re not part of the discussion or the decisions.

The astonishing response to Baby reindeer reminded me that society still struggles to deal with the ‘male victim’ (yes, Donny is the victim, in case you forgot), especially if the perpetrator is a woman, or if he “goes back” to the space where the control of his own body is taken over. While the world Baby reindeer Crazy, some people ignored Richard’s own victimhood and survival instinct.

But his story helped people nonetheless. Forty percent of the referrals to We Are Survivors in the first two weeks of the series that dropped out were from young people (26-35); 53 percent of all referrals that were mentioned Baby reindeer as a reason for seeking help; and the number of people calling emergency services for the first time increased by 80 percent.

If Richard Gadd wasn’t my hero, he certainly is now. As a male survivor using his story of abuse to Baby reindeerPutting himself in front of the camera as Donny and talking about male survival in the media circus, he has undoubtedly changed the world for male survivors. The data proves it. We owe him an apology for ignoring his victimhood, and kudos for demonstrating his ability to survive.

Now we just need to get the non-survivors, the policy makers and the politicians to change the world for us too.

Duncan Craig is the CEO of We Are Survivors, a charity that supports male survivors of sexual abuse and rape