Dealing with family bullying and toxic friendships

Dear Eric:

My 89 year old mother is a button-down wearing, T-shirt slogan wearing, lifelong Democrat. She is also afraid of confrontation. My younger sister’s husband, who is Republican, forwards my mother text messages from Fox News and people on X making fun of Democrats. Sometimes she is so upset she can’t sleep because what he forwards may seem funny to him, but usually they are cruel and/or spreading misinformation.

She doesn’t think his wife or kids know he’s doing this so she shares her grief with me (I live in a different time zone). I’ve learned that this is triangulation and advise her to find the strength to tell him directly to stop. I’ve told her not to respond to his texts (she used to try to counter him with information) and to tell him that she’ll block him if he doesn’t stop. At what point does it get close enough to bullying that I should get involved? I’m also afraid of his anger.

– Daughter in Distress

Dear daughter:

We’re already at the point of bullying and you need to step in. This isn’t about politics – I’d say the same thing if your mother was a lifelong Republican bombarded by Kamala Harris coconut tree memes. This is about unwanted, prolonged contact.

Your mother is temperamentally averse to confrontation and at 89 is not a digital native, so this kind of exchange is completely out of her league. She needs some help.

Contact your sister and tell her what’s going on. Does she approve of this teasing? See if your sister will help your mother block your brother-in-law’s texts. They just don’t have to be in contact like this.

He may see it as harmless, or a proportionate response to your mother’s loud politics. He needs to hear clearly that it doesn’t come across that way. You write that you fear your brother-in-law’s anger. Is your mother in danger? Is your sister in danger? You don’t have to solve everyone’s problem here, but if people are dealing with bullying or, potentially, intimidation, they need help to pull themselves out.

Dear Eric:

Our family attended the wedding of two old friends. We were part of a close group of friends who helped each other through hard times and went on vacation together.

Months ago, a mutual friend posted an invite in our small group chat, assuming we had all received one as well. But we hadn’t. This prompted one of the brides to send private messages with a convoluted explanation for the “delay” in our invites.

As the day approached, we began receiving logistical messages for the wedding. One was strange, because the list of recipients was not visible. It said, “Shorts are welcome,” because it was going to be very hot. Our family was wearing shorts. When we arrived, it was very clear that no one else had gotten the memo. Not a single short or casual dress in sight. The brides greeted us politely but coldly.

As the wedding night progressed, the insults became more and more apparent.

While a large group was dancing, including myself, a bride loudly told me to stop dancing because that song was meant for her group of guests. She repeated her command three times, loud and annoying.

Little insults continued throughout the night. Too much to talk about without sounding petty.

Either we have been misjudging these friends for years, or we have done something terrible that we are not aware of. Our adult children believe that these people have always been cold users. I still wonder what on earth I could have done to deserve such treatment. Or better yet, what in my psychological makeup allowed me to think that such people were good friends?

– Obligatory guest

Dear guest:

If these people don’t really like you, they will choose the strangest and most complicated way to show it.

Okay, I’m going to write something that’s not about you personally, because I don’t know you. So take it with a grain of salt.

Perhaps these so-called friends just find you a little annoying and their hostility was unintentional.

Sometimes the camaraderie of a large group of friends can have a halo effect, masking individual relationships that aren’t as close. It doesn’t justify being cruel, but it might explain some of the insults.

One thing is clear: Their communication at and around the wedding was a mess. Try to be direct. Talk to others in your group. Did they have similar experiences at the wedding? Do they have a secret dislike for you? Don’t obsess over this. Just get your temperature taken by people you trust, to reassure you or alert you to something you missed. And maybe rethink your holiday invite list for next year.