22 Thoughts Everyone Has When Rewatching ‘Gossip Girl’

I am deep in my Gossip girl rewatch. I watched the show from the first episode to the last, even when it was absolutely terrible and I hated every minute of it. I can’t explain why I Gossip girl so much, aside from the fact that it’s sometimes insanely clever and the costumes are always great. I just got hooked and I rewatch it for the same reason. Except now with Netflix I can watch every episode back to back without having to wait through a boring TV cycle. And some of it seems pretty crazy to me, even within the constraints of Gossip girl world that is 100% not real. Spoilers abound here, so don’t read on if you want to get mad at me for spoiling a series that ended years ago.

1. In Season 3, Chuck is fighting Uncle Jack for control of his hotel empire. In Season 3, Chuck is 19. He’s 19 years old and he’s running a business like a 60-year-old mob boss. When I was 19, I lived in a dorm room and ate jam on Melba toast every night. These kids are running businesses. Okay.

2. People are constantly serving them alcohol. I guess with money you can get a cocktail a little easier, but they drink in public places in their uniforms! (Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but still, Jenny Humphrey never looks older than 17, even in her Courtney Love drag.)

3. All the main characters have sex with each other, except Serena/Chuck. And everyone is like, totally okay with that? I wouldn’t be okay with all that friendcest. My (former) best friend DID go to my ex’s and it ruined our friendship. I thought a friendship that’s so often rocky like S and B’s wouldn’t survive that.

4. Why does Nate never sleep with Lily?

5. Bart Bass dies TWICE? And very dramatically too. Bart is supposed to be a very intelligent, hyper-vigilant villain and he falls off a building? I don’t believe it.

6. And when Bart dies and comes back, Lily is like, “Oh, okay, I’m back with you now! Sorry Rufus! Sorry Billy Baldwin! My evil, evil dead husband is back!”

7. Isn’t there something deeply disturbing about Rufus Humphrey? Maybe it’s the chains. Or the waffles. Or the caring eyes. Either way, now that I watch Gossip Girl, I think he’s a total weirdo. If I were Serena, Rufus would have me locked out.

8. VANESSA. Enough said. Did ANYONE like Vanessa? Her dad was Arlo. She grew up on a commune and referenced it in every episode. Jessica Szhor, I’m sure you’re sweet, but god, Vanessa was THE. Worst. On a show full of Worsts! (Except you, Nate, you’re perfect.)

9. They tried really hard for a while to make Bing happen. Bing didn’t happen.

10. The whole show revolves around these people going to college, but slowly college just stops… No one talks about it anymore, not even pretentious Dan.

11. All that literary name-dropping – there’s no way Vanessa is taking a class from Sam Shepard. And Dan constantly referring to “Graydon” as Graydon Carter at the end of the series makes me laugh every time.

12. The Prince just marries Blair. It’s like, NBD she’s not royal.

13. Why wasn’t Dorota Gossip Girl? Seriously, no alternative makes sense to me.

14. In a relationship, there is no way Dan is Gossip Girl. It never quite made sense.

15. So many loopholes! And dead ends. Remember when Blair was pregnant? Yeah, just a blip on the radar to get rid of Louis. And Chuck’s mother? We never find out who she is. What happens to Georgina’s baby, Milo? I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN, GOSSIP GIRL.

16. Towards the end of the series, Nate, a grown man, dates a high school boy. And no one bats an eyelid. Why was Sage on the show so long? She was worse than Jenny.

17. I hated Georgina Sparks the first time I watched it, but god, if she isn’t the best part of the show a few years later. Everything about her is great – Michelle Trachtenberg, the costumes, the ridiculous jokes.

18. Nate and Serena don’t end up together, why? They have the best chemistry and the same boring perfect beauty. I loved them together.

19. Dair, not so much. Bad on all levels. Blair lost all her Blair-ness when she was with Dan, and her Blair-ness was what made the show worth watching.

20. People in New York City seem to be very close to each other. Two characters are walking down the street making plans for each other and OH LOOK WHO IT IS! It’s Dan, who lives in DUMBO and is just chilling in the UES. The coincidences are a little crazy. New York City is getting small, but maybe not THAT small.

21. Cyrus is the best character in the show. That’s all. He gets a lot of credit, but I think he deserves more.

22. What happens to Rufus and Lily’s son, Scott? He disappears too. People disappear a lot on this show.