Ranking the best horror movies to give students the vigilance they need to survive

There has never been a more dangerous time to be a young American. School shootings are steadily increasing in this country, and shooters are beginning to realize that the schools’ “sit under your desk and wait for the cops not to show up” policy is not slowing them down like we thought.

Literal bullets aren’t the only bullets kids have to dodge these days. There’s abusive faculty to contend with, rampant insane education reform, declining funding for public schools, and of course Florida, where we’re pretty sure an orangutan can become a school principal if he can prove he supported Trump.

Fear not boys and ghouls, The Hard Times has a curriculum far more useful than any mandatory American history and Bible study class that will be rammed down your throat this year. We’ve compiled a list of the 40 best horror movies set in schools that will not only entertain you while you and your friends discover weed, but will also help instill the constant vigilance that all kids today need to survive!

40. Fear Street Part One: 1994 (2021)

Other than teaching you about the horrors of class inequality, which you should be well versed in by the seventh grade, this movie has nothing to offer. Did RL Stine even go to high school? Some of these kids are addicted to drugs. What drugs, you ask? Just drugs, nameless drugs, various kinds of drugs in all different shapes and bright colors that they eat by the handful. The movie doesn’t even have a “Don’t do drugs” message, it’s just there to show you that this is a serious adult film from the man who wrote all the “Goosebumps” books. You can skip this lesson.

39. Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

We’ve seen this movie a dozen times and still have no idea what the story is. Don’t smoke radioactive weed? You probably wouldn’t, but okay, fine, DON’T.

38. Dance of the Dead (2008)

The terrible script and cheap production values ​​of an early 00s Disney made-for-TV movie lull you into a false sense of security and then BAM, hardcore gore! While the bizarre shift in tone may help kids accept that they are quickly leaving childhood behind and entering the adult world, it scores low points by portraying the weird right-wing militant gym teacher as a hero. In real life, this guy is not going to have your back no matter what.

37. Twilight (2008)

Not really a horror movie, not really a good movie, but it does get an important message across. If you’re a high school student, never be afraid to ask a guy, “Wait, how old are you?”

36. Twin Peaks: Firewalk With Me (1992)

Not really a lesson to be learned here, or even a plot, even by David Lynch standards. You’ll want to be one of the kids watching it.

35. I Was a Teenage Zombie (1987)

This film prepares freshmen for a horror they’ll definitely experience at least once in the next four years: At one point, you’re encouraged to do a video project. You and your friends get all excited, you think you’re all so funny, and then you get to work on the editing and realize how hard it is to make a movie. It’s a disaster, the acting is embarrassing, and some parts are so problematic that you’ll have to scrub every copy if you ever want to be a candidate, but in the end, it looks like everyone in this movie had fun and so did you, so we’re giving it a low score.

34. Happy Death Day (2017)

Two big lessons here, number one: plagiarism works! You can take someone else’s original, fully fleshed out idea, say “Groundhog Day,” and do it incredibly worse, and people will say “That’s actually pretty clever and good.” Second lesson: School is, for the most part, a seemingly endless, repetitive nightmare. Good luck.

33. Teen Wolf” (1985)

If you turn out to be a werewolf, and by turning into a werewolf you become popular and good at sports, fuck that, just be yourself. That’s the lesson of the movie “Teen Wolf”, and it’s not all that helpful to most of you, but there has to be at least one kid out there who goes through “The Change” (into a wolf specifically) and needs to hear it.

32. Cherry Falls (1999)

It’s your typical high school slasher movie with a twist: the killer only preys on virgins! There’s not a whole lot to learn here, but we think it’s good for kids to know that you don’t need genre literacy or more than one idea to make a whole movie.

31. Chronicle (2012)

This found horror/superhero mashup of a high school set teaches a timeless lesson: absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially when that power is given to some nerd. Look at Elon Musk.

30. Black Christmas (1974)

The phenomenon of people living in the walls and attics of strangers’ houses has increased in recent years, or at least gained more attention on the internet. If you’re going to secretly live in someone’s house, wouldn’t an off-campus dorm make the most sense? Strangers are going to be in and out of there all the time, keep strange hours, people are coming and going all night long, you probably don’t even have to hide, just pretend you know someone and anyone you see in the kitchen will just shrug their shoulders. If you live with a group of students, you might want to watch this movie and try to implement some sort of safety rules.

29. Monster Squad (1987)

After-school clubs are a great way to find your tribe, and while the after-school anime club probably isn’t going to save your small town from Dracula, you’ll get to watch some cool stuff and meet people who might be your friends for years to come. And if your shitty town ever gets invaded by, say, a tentacle monster or an evil wizard in a school uniform or whatever, you’ll be one of the first kids they call.

28. Jennifer’s Body (1999)

This film is a crash course in two of the biggest obstacles high school students face: toxic friendships and very forced dialogue.

27. Mon (2019)

The sooner you realize that cool older person who buys your beer and even lets you drink it at his house might NOT be so cool after all, the better.

26. Urban Legend (1998)

Any given high school has a bunch of local legends. A lot of them are bullshit ghost stories like “Yeah, a kid killed himself in the bathroom in Hall C and now there’s a ghost in there!” Some of them, like “The volleyball coach gets really physical,” you’ll want to keep an eye on though.

25. Disturbing Behavior (1998)

A moving film with a lot of social criticism, but the main message is that no matter what they do to shape, condition and brainwash you into a model American citizen, you still become horny and a monster, and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

24. Once Bitten (1985)

Guys, if you’re a high school student who’s never had sex and a rich smokeshow lady is determined to take your virginity, she’s dangerously unstable at best and a vampire queen at worst who wants to feast on you to maintain her eternal youth. Either way, it’s not going to end well.

23. Class of 1984 (1982)

You wanna know the scariest thing about high school? Look in the mirror buddy! That’s right, it’s you! You and your GANGS, you and your prostitution drug cartels that run you from the basement to punk clubs, you and your random acts of violence and murder, despite your genius intellect and your piano prodigy skills, you are the FUTURE! WAKE UP CONSERVATIVE AMERICA!!!

22. The Craft (1996)

If you’re in high school and you’ve already read The Hard Times, chances are you’re going to make some witchy friends, and that’s great. Just be careful, because every clique has someone who wants to take things a little too far. Talking about cursing the math teacher is all well and good, but when you see actual blood, even if it’s from a chicken, it’s time to stop Tabitha.

21. Scream (1996)

Can you ever really trust anyone as a high school student? As “Scream” will teach you, a categorical no. Danger lurks around every corner, everyone is a suspect, and a whole lot of people want to take your virginity for reasons that range from obscure to sinister. At least in the movies there are rules. Good luck kids!