Making Headlines: Protecting Pets from People

By Elona Baron (as barked at Laurie Baron)

SAN DIEGO — While watching the news with my owner, I heard that J.D. Vance claimed that Haitian immigrants had been eating cats in Springfield, Ohio. As a dog, I know that cats aren’t tasty enough to be ground up in my food. If they were, I can guarantee that some enterprising person would recycle dead cats into a new product called The Farmer’s Cat.

As a pet owner, I feel obligated to protest the political exploitation of animals. On the other hand, if the Vance story is true, then the pet community needs to prepare to defend itself from dangerous people and help endangered animals. Here are some things I would like to suggest we do:

–Train Chihuahuas to bite Border Patrol and ICE Agents, as well as members of Mexican drug cartels. For the record, people smuggle narcotics into this country, not mules.

– Convincing Russian wolfhounds to betray their masters and side with the Ukrainians.

– Fly carrier pigeons over precincts Trump won in 2020 to distribute leaflets informing MAGA loyalists that most bird deaths are not caused by wind turbines, but by cats. Those feline perpetrators should join AA, Animals Anonymous, to kick their habit.

–Let the turtles demand that Mitch McConell publicly disassociate himself from their species.

–Mobilize cats to march for the vilified childless women. As a sign of solidarity, they should wear knitted hats with rubberized women’s ears, as millions of women paid tribute to them by donning pussycat hats.

–Encourage elephants to sue the Republican Party for copyright infringement. Elephants never forget; that’s why they won’t vote for Trump.

–Encouraging guinea pigs to refuse to be used as guinea pigs in medical experiments.

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Elona Baron lives with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. She assures readers that no animals were harmed in the writing of this column.