Pembroke Mafia Football League: Things are going pretty well here

Jeff Witten

Columnist

Welcome to the latest episode of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and don’t worry, things are going pretty well here. Sure, things could probably be better – I could always use an extra million dollars, for instance, or a new haircut and a butt (mine seems to have fallen off at some point) – but in the grand scheme of things, things are going pretty well.

Especially when you compare our lives to those poor souls in some deprived parts of the world where people are lucky enough to eat once a week and a sip of water can make the difference between life and death. Those people have something to complain about as far as I’m concerned. We don’t.

Why is this being brought up in a PMFL column now, you ask?

Here’s why. Everywhere I went on Monday, the only people I heard within earshot were people I didn’t know complaining. First, a woman outside a store kept harping on to a group of ladies about a doctor’s office that wouldn’t accept her insurance.

Then I heard someone say that the Democrats are going to give all the illegal immigrants money to vote in the November election if we don’t do something to stop it. You wonder where she went next—maybe to find some library books to burn, er, ban. God forbid anyone read anything that would allow them to fact-check the claims of politicians trying to win elections.

In between, there were people sighing and whispering on stage because they had to wait in line too long to buy stuff – “they need to hire more cashiers” – while I complained about the traffic, as I usually do, although I’m going to try to be better and show more gratitude. At least we have feet to pedal and roads to drive on, even if they’re getting full of holes from all those stupid dump trucks.

That reminds me. I was recently going to the hardware store—I always go to Lowe’s because they give me a military discount, which I appreciate since no one forced them to—and on the way there I mentioned to a friend that the traffic in Rincon was worse than usual, even though it was a weekday.

“It’s like everybody’s retired,” he said. “Or they’re not working. A lot of them look pretty young.”

That led to some musing about how much the county had changed from when we both arrived—he moved to Effingham from his native Savannah in the mid-’80s—and I arrived in 1995 after (finally) graduating from Georgia Southern. In 1995, there were only three traffic lights in Effingham County that I can remember. Two were on Highway 21 in Rincon, and another was in downtown Springfield. Now there are three in Springfield—and another one is on the way to keep people from being killed near a new development on the 21 bypass that shouldn’t have been built there in the first place—and eight or maybe nine in or near Rincon, and most of them were put there to keep people from being killed after people have been killed—and of course I see every red one in town every time I go anywhere.

Pay attention in Pembroke, folks. That’s a sure sign of progress. More traffic lights to keep you from getting run over by all the new traffic.

Oh well. We Americans may be the leaders in complaining, but at least we’re sincere.

On to football. Latest standings after two weeks: District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington—one of my favorite people besides me—is in first place with only two misses. BJ Clark thinks Noah is getting help from his grandson. I think it’s more likely that Noah is brilliant. And has ESP. And can bend spoons and open cans of chili with his mind.

BJ, Mike Clark, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and Dr. Gene Wallace, dentist of record, are tied for second place with four misses. Rumor has it that Ben is taking kung fu lessons so he can talk some sense into the arrogant home builders and impress the Hyundai people at the same time.

Yours truly is in third place with five misses. What did I tell you about those Gamecocks, huh? Eh?

The world’s oldest living sportswriter, Mike Brown—he’s from the Crustacean era—is tied with PMFL spiritual guru the Rev. Lawrence Butler and former Bryan County News ace Ted O’Neil for fourth place. They have six misses so far. Ted, by the way, is not only from Michigan, he’s also 12 feet tall and likes beef jerky.

Pine Tree magnate and District 1 County Commissioner-elect Alex Floyd is tied with retired Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell for fourth place with seven misses each. Neither knows anything about college football, or anything else for that matter. That’s why they’re members of the PMFL.

And of course, they know more about college football than County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who is not only a Clemson fan but also ranks dead last with 11 misses in just two weeks of action. If this continues, he will mispredict the outcome of approximately 1,507 college football games before the season is over.

There are no picks this week, or at least not yet, because they are not due until Friday, the day after this column appears. Instead, here is a reminder from the late, great Lewis Grizzard to folks from the North who moved here to criticize the South.

“Delta is ready when you are.”

Maybe.

Jeff Whitten is now semi-retired and former editor of the Bryan County News.