Company That Would Fire You If You Talked About Unionizing Doesn’t Want a Union to Destroy Great Office Culture

OMAHA, NE — Sources at Good Standing Insurance Company confirmed last week that the company is doubling down on its anti-union efforts, citing an “impeccable office culture” and a “can-do attitude” among all of its employees. This comes just days after the mass firing of more than two dozen employees, reportedly for “pro-union activities.”

“We’ve got it really great here,” Good Standing CEO Gary Fulmer said. “We only hire rock stars. And we’re a family. A whole family of rock stars. Do you want some mean, muscle-bound union guy, probably with tattoos and all sorts of mob connections, to come in and ruin that? No. And that’s why we’re not going to let that happen. Because the minute we start talking about ‘solidarity,’ the layoff notices have to go out and we have to lay off a couple of our little family. And nobody wants that. Nobody wants to be the one to pull the plug on Grandma. But sometimes you have to say, ‘She’s had too many accidents on the good sheets.’ And then you have to put her down.”

Of course, it’s “illegal” in the United States to fire employees for collective organizing. Good Standing HR Head Traci Tathers says that forces her to get creative.

“Oh yeah, I’ve had to be really smart about it,” Tathers said. “During the last, you know, u-word purge, I had one that I let go because I was ‘taking calls during work hours’. And I had another one where I had to tell him he got fired because we said he was missing too much work. Of course it was because his kid had leukemia. But I’m not a monster. I sent him a nice homemade condolence card with his papers.”

Employees of Good Standing Insurance seemed reluctant to talk to reporters about the situation, but claims expert Peter Bertke gave a brief statement.

“We don’t need unions here,” Bertke said, with a kind of cheerfulness that implied someone might be listening. “Our culture is great. We’re a family. A family of rock stars. All the union pushers who got fired were ungrateful, toxic people. I don’t need a union coming in and ruining what’s good about Good Standing. And that’s the good culture. I mean great. The great culture at Good Standing. Yeah.”

As this article went to press, the company’s executives were brainstorming a “compassionate, empathetic way” to let employees know they would likely have to come in on Saturday to correct a mistake made by the CFO.