‘RHOSLC’ Season 5 Episode 1 Recap: ‘Costume or Couture?’

How I’ve missed these freaky women of Salt Lake City. From the moment Mary Cosby told Jen Shah, “You smell like a hospital,” this franchise became one of my favorites and an easy entry point for the Housewives curious. With all the richness and drama that makes a show like this successful, only these women are all a little on the weirdo scale. We meet a now-convicted felon, a woman who married her step-grandfather to lead her mysterious church, and a Mormon with a tequila company — all in the bleak setting of Salt Lake City, a bunch of strip malls surrounded by beautiful mountains.

After the revelation that last season’s newcomer Monica Garcia was one of the people behind an Instagram account that spread rumors and gossip about their friend group for years, it’s hard to imagine how the ladies of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City will be able to move on and heal (pronounced “hill”) from last season.

Monica, once an employee and friend of the now imprisoned Jen Shah, was responsible for perhaps one of the biggest twists in Housewives, and maybe reality TV, history. During a dramatic dinner on a Bermuda beach, Heather Gay confronted Monica with RECEIPS! EVIDENCE! And of course, TIMELINES! Monica is, of course, no longer a cast member. While this betrayal could have united these women as friends, last season’s reunion didn’t offer much healing or resolution.

Where does that leave our ladies this season? This premiere opens with our girls dramatically explaining in voiceover that even though the world pushes back as they bravely show us their lives, they ultimately stay together because, in the words of Angie K., “It’s a bond and a friendship that we can’t explain.” I truly believe that Angie K can’t explain these things; I truly do.

Tonally, it’s clear we’re being primed for an intense season, and of course, what better way to explore the new dynamic of this group than at a Valentine’s Day party thrown by Lisa Barlow? She calls it “besos” so she can “remind her girlfriends that she loves them.”

Almost immediately after this statement, we have a flashback to a few weeks earlier when Angie, Lisa, and Heather were discussing Whitney’s recent appearance on a podcast where she said that Lisa doesn’t care about anything except being right (correct) and that she’s always been the bad guy (incorrect). I always feel so confused when these women take what’s said in podcasts or interviews to heart. As for the comments, these women have said far worse things about each other in confessionals and on social media. But if we know Lisa, we know she’s not going to let this go.

Back in the present, the first two Housewives to get out of the car and into the party together are Mary and her new best friend… Angie K? And with matching red handbags, no less. If you recall, Mary was visibly disgusted by Angie K. during a trip to Palm Springs last season. What makes Mary an incredible character isn’t that she’s logical or emotionally consistent; it’s that there’s no rhyme or reason to her choices or complaints. When asked what changed during a confessional, Mary says, “She gained my trust.” It seems this moment occurred during the reunion, when Angie K. very discreetly let her know she had lipstick on her teeth.

In addition to Mary and Angie K.’s friendship, it seems like we’re getting a renewed, more energetic version of Mary. Last season, her appearances were inconsistent. The only way people could relate to her was by coddling her like an aging pet. But even in these first few moments, she just seems more settled. Later, she even compliments Heather on her weight loss, which, in Mary’s own way, is like saying hello, honey.

Heather arrives with her friend and new housewife Britani, who is in an on-again, off-again relationship with Jared Osmond, Donny and Marie Osmond’s nephew. This is reportedly a huge deal to Mormons—he’s like a king. I love that you get to learn about Mormon culture through this show. This guy is a nobody, but yeah, it’s a big deal to you guys. Got it. But before we really get to know Britani, we meet Bronwyn, a friend of Lisa’s who is into haute couture. You know right away that her whole vibe is that she’s extremely wealthy and into fashion. She describes her brand as “funny chaos,” which I’m sure she repeats to people a lot as if it has some kind of meaning. She immediately connects with Mary because she’s wealthy and wears couture.

Britani tries to join in their conversation, but starts off badly by complimenting Bronwyn’s “costume.” Mary is immediately turned off by Britani’s lack of wealth. (Britani awkwardly mentions later in the same conversation that she grew up poor.) Mary may have some very random turn-offs, but she’s consistently shown us that one of the worst things a person can be is being poor. We learn that Bronwyn’s coat is actually Saint Laurent, and that she’s one of three people who owns it. The others are Rihanna and a museum. While this is all good to know, Bronwyn still hasn’t shown much of a personality.

Meredith has been pretty quiet so far. We get a flashback to a few weeks ago, when Meredith was in bed recovering from a breast reduction with Heather by her side. Her breasts are sore, but she’s also still sore from what happened in Bermuda. And her biggest problem right now? Whitney is copying her business ideas. Meredith has a jewelry line, Whitney has one. Now Whitney is selling bath products, which Meredith thinks is her thing. “It’s an attack on me,” she tells Heather, who clearly finds it all very funny.

Back at the party, we get an incredible aside from Lisa talking about Jack’s mission to Colombia. At this point, he’s eight months into his mission, and Lisa tells a guest that Jack is doing “so well.” She goes on to say, “I feel like he’s learning a lot. They have the coolest bookstores and barbershops.” What does that even mean? He could be anywhere with that description.

We get two weird confrontations before the dinner portion of this party, where you know it’s going to happen. Meredith confronts Whitney and asks her, in her trademark slurred speech, about the bath bombs. Even with weeks between her conversation with Heather and this party, Meredith still sees Whitney’s business venture as a personal affront to her livelihood. Meredith and Whitney talking is the kind of communication you get in a really long game of telephone, except they’re on opposite sides of the room. It kind of ends with Whitney telling Meredith that she’s actually sold bath bombs before. Well, that’s that.

Oddly enough, Angie sees this as an opportunity to rehash her grievances with Meredith. One of the biggest accusations is that Angie has connections to the Greek mafia and that Meredith wanted her to lose her house. After Heather lets Angie know that Meredith still wants an apology from all of them, Angie uses this as an opportunity to get an apology from Meredith. This interaction in particular made me think about these women as real people. What do apologies actually mean to them? What do they think an apology fundamentally does for their emotional well-being? I personally believe it’s about power rankings. Meredith sees herself as a Real businesswoman whose success and previous achievements are not connected to her Housewives fame. Whitney probably seems “less than” to her eyes, someone less chic and rooted in a luxurious experience, as if her business success was a Housewives cast member money grab. Angie wants an apology because she needs to prove herself as a power player on this show — Monica’s betrayal had very little to do with her, and last season she established herself more as a comic relief than anything else. Angie pulls a scroll out of her bag and lists off all the excuses she wants Meredith to make. This doesn’t go beyond the gimmick, because Lisa calls them to the second part of the evening, a dinner in a barn-like space. Salt Lake City is apparently full of these kinds of places.

Eventually the podcast comes up and Lisa demands an apology from Whitney, and Whitney asks her what exactly she has to apologize for. Her argument is that her statements were just her feelings (“fillings”) and that Lisa is calling her a liar because her statements in this podcast carry no weight. Lisa is very much like, that’s not very healing of you.

Whitney hints that she already knew Lisa was mad at her, which pushes Lisa over the edge. She sees this as a betrayal of trust from Angie or Heather, the two people who knew how mad she was at Whitney. With this information, the argument escalates into an explosion from Lisa. She screams that she is now isolated, stands up, and starts yelling at Angie K. (whom she hilariously calls Angie K. even as she yells) because she was the one who told Whitney.

Now really ON ONE, Lisa smashes her glass and dredges up other lies Whitney has told, like how Whitney mentioned the rumor that Lisa slept with someone to get tickets to the Utah Jazz. Whitney, clearly entrenched in her current hilling journey, very calmly says that she is not a liar. That opens the door for some high-level cross-talk, with all the women screaming that Whitney is a liar. I know Whitney is a liar, but with this cast — they’re all on the same level of untruths. It feels more like it feels good to shine the spotlight on Whitney, who no one is crazy about at this point, than to discuss their real issues with each other.

Whitney finally has enough and tells Lisa, “You want the hilled Whitney? Fuck off, Lisa Barlow.” And with that she storms off, followed by Angie K.

And with that, we’re off to a great start. This is clearly just a taste of how Season 5 will go, and it seems that even with the Reality Von Tease drama behind them — these women will never stop finding ways to confront each other.