How the fight against grooming and abuse in the family begins

MANILA, Philippines – Sexual grooming can be insidious and difficult to spot, but the best place to start prevention and protection is within the family.

This was what Kitty Arce of Save The Children Philippines emphasized during an episode of Be the good oneRappler’s community show on advocacy and campaigning, on August 30.

Grooming, or sexual grooming, is the manipulation of a target, often a child or a vulnerable person, so that they are easier to abuse or exploit.

“This can be done by giving the victim gifts, money or flattery. So when the abuser demands something, even if he feels uncomfortable, the abused is now pressured to reciprocate the gesture by doing it of his own free will,” Arce told Rappler community head Pia Ranada.

Positive parenting, 'beso-beso' culture: how the fight against grooming and abuse begins in the family

Grooming, a strategy used by abusers, has likely contributed to a rise in teenage pregnancies in the Philippines. Arce, who has worked with many children and their families, said girls in impoverished families are particularly vulnerable.

“What is problematic is the attitude towards gift giving here in the Philippines. When parents see their child receiving a gift from someone, they actually encourage it. That leads to teenage pregnancy because we have a case of a 12-year-old girl who according to her parents was in love with a 33-year-old man. So they were allowed to live together. That’s how these things start,” Arce said.

Poverty is one of the reasons why manipulators can more easily manipulate their victims.

It can be difficult to tell if someone is grooming, but Arce offered some warning signs to look out for:

The victim is secretive and tends to isolate themselves from family and friends
They receive favoritism or special attention from someone
They can suddenly afford expensive things or have received expensive gifts

According to a report by ECPAT, Interpol and UNICEF Office of Research-Innocenti, two million young Filipinos between the ages of 12 and 17 may have been victims of online sexual exploitation and abuse in 2021.

Examples of this include cases where children are manipulated into sexual acts by offering them money or gifts.

Meanwhile, government officials have raised alarms about cases of teenage pregnancies resulting from relationships with much older men, pointing to possible coercion or abuse. The Population Commission reports cases of pregnancies among girls aged 10 to 14 who were with men over 21. The Philippine Legislators Committee on Population and Development also cites data showing that the majority of pregnancies among girls aged 10 to 14 and 15 to 20 in 2014 were with older men.

What families can do

Because of the way child molesters approach their victims, families can play an important role in preventing abuse.

Arce advocates positive parenting as a simple but effective deterrent. Since the goal of groomers is to isolate the victim from friends and family to make them easier to manipulate, parents who have their children easy to approach and talk to may be more likely to know if their child is a target.

“Positive parenting encourages good communication between child and (parent), so that children are not afraid to report or say things that they find uncomfortable,” says Arce.

Save the Children Philippines is pushing for the Positive Parenting Act. This law is aimed at building stronger relationships between parents and children. This law encourages parents to discipline their children in a more inclusive and non-judgmental manner that focuses on understanding, rather than punishing, all types of behavior.

This approach involves a more open way of talking about sex, which is not shameful or judgmental.

The lack of comprehensive sex education in the Philippines, often due to conservative attitudes toward sex, prevents young people from understanding crucial issues like “bad touch” versus “good touch,” Arce said.

This shortage also leaves adolescents unsure where to go for reproductive health care.

“One of the reasons why we want the Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention Act to be passed is that it will also help adolescents access health services. We also need to address the stigma among Filipinos,” Arce said.

She pointed out that some young pregnant girls went to a health center and were told: “And landi-landi mo (You’re so flirty).”

Or when teens ask questions about sex, they’re told, “You don’t need to know that.”

Arce stressed the urgency of ensuring that reproductive health services are inclusive and provided to all. It is important to provide equal access to persons with disabilities who are “five times more vulnerable to sexual abuse,” she said.

“The programs for people with disabilities should not be separate from the programs for people without disabilities,” Arce said.

Putting an end to the ‘beso-beso’ culture

Another important role of the family is to introduce children to setting boundaries at an early age. This can help protect them from abuse.

Arce says that the “kissing-kissing” culture in family reunions or gatherings must stop. In many Filipino parties, children are told to kiss guests on the cheek. For the sake of her own son, she has stopped demanding this of him.

“I will never force him to hug or kiss, because at that point we already teach them to say no if they don’t feel comfortable with something,” Arce said.

Giving children the opportunity to set boundaries, especially when it comes to how they are touched, is essential in teaching them to protect themselves from abusers.

Save The Children Philippines has a program called Power Up Girls that aims to empower girls aged 10 to 14 to help them protect themselves from teenage pregnancy and early forced unions and marriages. For example, in Mindanao they work with indigenous peoples so that IP girls are not forced into early marriages. – with reports by Thea Santos/Rappler.com