“We are not colluding in any way,” Coles and Woolworths said in a joint statement

Supermarket giants Coles and Woolworths have responded to allegations by the ACCC that they have colluded in price fixing schemes with consumers, saying in a joint statement that they were never colluded in.

“The idea that we would work together is ridiculous,” the CEOs of both companies said in perfect unison, “we only care about what’s best for our lenders… I mean beloved customers.”

“We are completely independent in our decision-making process here at ‘insert your company here’ and are prepared to break the knees of anyone who suggests that we are behaving like some kind of mafia.”

“We would never just raise and lower prices on things. Our prices that happen to be the same are based on the market prices that we have. The market price is ultimately influenced by ‘fill in the blank what the biggest news story of the month is’.”

“If anyone wants to know more about this, the rest of the statement is now marked down to just $10 a word. That’s a 50% discount on what it would cost the following week.”

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