Hamas and Hezbolah walk into a bar….

Recently, Israel has killed even more ‘terrorists’. I think it was more than normal, but I don’t pay much attention to what’s happening in other countries. I prefer to focus on domestic issues, given that every major politician continues to ignore them. This is how we became the richest banana republic in the world.

We are told that our government’s favorite little country recently used pagers and walkie-talkies to blow up what Israel claims are “senior leaders” of Hezbolah. Well, what else are you going to do with a “senior leader” of Hezbolah? I think of the excellent South Park episode about The Homeless, where a maniacal doctor exclaims after an autopsy on one of them, “My God! They are almost human!” I have to admit I’m disappointed; all that money to the smallest “democracy” in the world, and they are forced to use pagers to “defend themselves?” That is So nineties. But Israel was not just blowing up “terrorists” with outdated means. They were also killing hundreds of women, children and paramedics in Lebanon. Frankly, they had pretty much ignored the Lebanese since 2006. We must never forget this; Israelis are continually allowed to ‘defend themselves’. From Lebanon. Syria. Iran. Homeless Palestinians.

Who knew that ‘terrorist’ leaders had been hiding in Lebanon since 2006? And all this time I thought it was Iran that was the “state sponsor of terrorism.” Maybe they can find some old exploding 8-track players to use on “senior leaders” in Iran. But which outfit would they go with? It is so difficult to keep an eye on these “terrorist” organizations. Long ago there was the PLO. And Ringo Starr’s lost brother Yasser Arafat. Then I think it was Al-Qaeda. As I noted in Hidden history, Al-Qaida roughly means ‘the toilet’ in Arabic. That’s a really demeaning name to choose for your group. Especially for violent, enthusiastic Arab ‘terrorists’. Unless you want to offend them. Inside jokes, inside jobs. Perhaps Alex Jones was right when he called them “Al-CIAeda.” Anyway, whatever happened to good old Al-Qadea? Have they discovered what their name really means? That would infuriate most non-terrorists.

There are so many other outfits we’ve heard about from all the different Middle Eastern “experts”. Isis. Israel. The Taliban. Isn’t Afghanistan now the Taliban, after spending all those years there in vain? We are on the side of the Taliban in Syria, or am I confused? There is of course a precedent for this. The beloved Franklin D. Roosevelt used mafia leaders like Frank Costello against the Axis powers in World War II. I wonder why Hitler and the Nazis are never called ‘terrorists’? I think they fall into their own special category and still inspire Hollywood almost a century later. We’re told that former CIA asset Osama Bin Laden was the founder and first “general emir” of al-Qaeda. That’s an impressive sounding title. Sort of a combination of George Washington and Benedict Arnold. From his mysterious Batcave, deep in the heart of Afghanistan, we are told that he orchestrated the September 11 attacks.

Isis is said to be a Jordanian group that eventually merged with bin Laden’s Al-Qaeda. Bin Laden was a former CIA operative and the group was spoofed as ‘Al-CIAda’. Some kind of logical connection. In any case, bin Laden is also said to be the tallest Arab in the world. Or at least An of the highest. He was certainly the biggest ‘terrorist’. So how could all those crazy Arabs not listen to him? Height makes a difference in how people are viewed; look at all the leadership studies. Isil was a variant of Isis, although I cannot understand the distinction. There is also the general term ‘jihadist’, which is used to describe all these groups. I think the conservative think tank people like to say the word. Almost as much as they say Hezbolah, with the emphasis on the last syllable. I think this is the correct way to pronounce it. If only they could pronounce ‘Iran’ correctly. It’s E-ron.

To be honest, I start to fall asleep when I hear too much talk about the ‘threat of terrorism’. The terminology seems to come from a broken bedtime story. Rockabye baby, in the Hamas. Speaking of Hamas, how come none of their “senior leaders” were blown up with pagers and walkie-talkies? I thought the reason the IDF killed so many innocent civilians in Gaza was because of that dirty, sneaky, rotten, Pearl Harbor-esque attack at a concert last October. By Hamas. Not Hezbolah. It seems a bit unfair that “senior leaders” of Hezbolah are being blown up by pagers because of something “senior leaders” of Hamas did. Kind of like chasing Saddam Hussein when he wasn’t part of the official September 11 lie. Hamas, we are told, is a Sunni group loyal to the Muslim Brotherhood. ‘Sunni’ and ‘Shia’ are two more words that make me very sleepy. And “Muslim Brotherhood” is just used interchangeably with all the others. I’m convinced they choose these keywords at random. Nobody cares.

While it is a violation of the new Antisemitism Awareness Act to mention this, we need to look again at the birth of Israel. You know, how we deposited a bunch of foreigners in the middle of someone else’s land. Think of Haitians in Springfield, Ohio. While I haven’t heard any credible reports of Israelis eating cats or dogs, it was a disastrous idea to just plant them there and expect all residents to welcome them with open arms. Especially when American taxpayers provided them with weapons that their citizens couldn’t hope to match. Thanks to all our involuntarily withheld taxes, Israel – about the size of Rhode Island – has the third most powerful military in the world. We don’t have much to be proud of these days, so maybe there’s some warped pride in that. We built that, to paraphrase the beloved Barack Obama, the “Muslim” president who has killed more Muslims than anyone ever has.

Who remembers the Irgun gang? And a young, future Israeli leader named Menachem Begin? As leader of this group, which some called “terrorists” and others “freedom fighters,” he coordinated the bombing of the King David Hotel, which killed nearly a hundred people. All of whom were ‘almost human’, to quote South Park again. An underreported but important historical figure is Ze’ev Vladimir Jabotinsky. He helped find the precursors of the Irgun, the Haganah and Betar. It seems that the Zionists were as fond of these names as the “terrorists” later were. Some have suggested that these were all “terrorist” groups, and that Jabotinsky was the father of Jewish terrorism. Then there was the competing group the Stern Gang. It was led by a Stern who was no relation to the self-proclaimed “King of All Media,” who has become a deranged proponent of the deadly COVID vaccine.

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