These are the warning signs of abusive relationships in teens

I remember the moment I said the words out loud for the first time. My mother was at the kitchen making a pot of coffee at the counter, because I was on her doorstep in the morning. At the age of 24, I had entered the home I once shared with her and my father, still shaking with adrenaline from having narrowly escaped my own home earlier that morning. Foggy because she had just woken up, she welcomed me in and I sat down at the table I had eaten at so many times before. The moment my mother turned her back, I found the courage to share the dark secret I had been hiding for months: I was in an abusive relationship.

Although I wasn’t a teenager when I dated my abuser, many were adolescents Are victims of domestic violence. According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 16 million women and 11 million men who reported experiencing intimate partner violence during their lifetime said they first experienced it before age 18. According to the U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 19% of teens in the United States have experienced physical or sexual violence from a dating partner, 50% have experienced stalking or harassment, and 65% have reported psychological abuse in their relationships to have experienced. And children from marginalized groups, such as sexual and gender minority youth, are at greater risk of sexual and physical dating violence.

This knowledge, combined with the heartbreaking truth about how some abusive relationships can end — Gabby Petito’s high-profile case is just one of the more recent examples — may prompt some parents to wonder how they can help protect their children, regardless of their age. .

According to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, a practicing psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health, victims of domestic violence often avoid confiding in family members. “They may feel ashamed about opening up to their parents for fear that they will be judged or blamed for the situation,” Patel-Dunn tells SheKnows. “While victims are never at fault, they may feel like they ’caused’ the situation, which can contribute to confusion when it comes to confiding in a loved one or parent.”

Abuse often starts slowly and presents itself with “pink flags” – that is, small incidents that in themselves seem to have little impact: an unkind word, hints of jealousy, the occasional angry outburst, usually followed by a loving apology. Parents don’t always witness these events, and like many others, I didn’t tell my parents about my relationship problems because I didn’t want to turn them against my partner.

More obvious signs of domestic violence may be that your child spends more and more time with their partner while giving up personal interests, which may indicate that they are losing their individuality. Or they may express anxiety about being separated from their partner or fear missing their calls or texts (and feeling overly apologetic when they do). According to Patel-Dunn, this may mean your child feels uncomfortable making decisions without their partner’s approval. For example, if your child always bends to their partner’s whims, it may indicate that they are trying to avoid conflict rather than seeking compromise. “It is subtle and not something that indicates siloed domestic violence, but along with other warning signs, can indicate an inability or fear to make decisions that would upset a partner or trigger them in any way” , she explains.

Pink flags do not always appear unhealthy, which makes them more difficult to identify. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook, an often overlooked warning sign is “a sudden onset of happiness, euphoria and excitement resulting from a new relationship with someone else.” While these emotions can reflect a happy and healthy relationship, they can also be the result of a practice called “Love Bombing,” where abusers use a barrage of positive words to manipulate their partner’s emotions in order to increase their trust and loyalty. to win. ultimate goal of exploitation.

As a parent, you may not witness “love bombing” in action, but the aftermath can bring about changes in your child’s mood or behavior. “When someone is bombarded with love, they feel on top of the world and are often very happy and joyful,” Cook tells SheKnows. “However, the perpetrator may stop calling your child, ignore the texts, or become verbally abusive,” triggering a roller coaster of emotions.

Other signs of domestic violence: If your child still lives at home, you may notice that his partner shows up unannounced and demands that he drop everything to be with him. “This person may also purposefully show up at family events to which he or she is not invited and refuse to leave unless your child goes with them,” says Cook. “This person may also complain about your child’s friends in an attempt to guilt him or her into spending less time with them.”

Although Patel-Dunn says the signs of domestic violence can vary, “Anytime parents notice a sudden change in their child’s attitude or behavior, I recommend finding a safe place and time to talk.” If you are concerned, have a private conversation with your child. “But avoid communicating by phone or email, as abusers can monitor electronic communications,” she says.

If you’re not sure how to get started, Cook recommends asking general questions such as, “Are you satisfied?” or “Does this person inspire you to be a better version of yourself?” before sharing specific changes you’ve noticed in your child’s behavior. “Ask if they have noticed the changes too. Ask them if they like the changes.” However, try to remain calm and avoid accusations. “Provide objective feedback. Maybe they didn’t notice this behavior,” she says.

Unfortunately, forbidding your child from seeing his partner can backfire. “Unless you plan to lock your child in his room and cut off all contact with the outside world, it’s very difficult to enforce that mandate,” Cook explains.

The good news is that parents can talk to their children about domestic violence before it becomes a problem. That’s because kids pick up cues about what is and isn’t appropriate in relationships long before they are ready to date. “Parents begin to influence their child’s tolerance for abuse from the moment they are old enough to refuse a kiss or hug from grandma,” says Cook. “It all starts with consent: do you admit that your child has complete autonomy over himself from an early age? Do you inform them about consent? Are you teaching them that it’s okay to say ‘No’ and that that word is a complete sentence without explanation?”

A common way parents unintentionally trick young children is by invalidating their feelings. According to Cook, statements such as “Don’t cry, you just scraped your knee,” “Don’t be a baby,” or “You’re not scared, you’ve had injections before – relax” can prompt children to accept the version of events from someone else.

Once children become tweens and become aware of romantic relationships, parents can immediately address appropriate behavior when they see real-world examples.

These conversations don’t have to be big sit-down moments either; they can arise organically. “Point out any instances of victim blaming in the media and discuss how everyone is responsible for their own actions and reactions,” says Cook. And instill the idea that it is everyone’s responsibility to control their own anger without becoming violent. “An abuser’s behavior reflects their inner world, not yours,” she says.

If you have discovered that your child has been a victim of domestic violence, you may feel that you are partly to blame for not seeing the signs. However, experts agree that this couldn’t be further from the truth. . “I want to reiterate that domestic violence is never the fault of the victim or the victim’s family, and it can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation,” Patel-Dunn said. “It is a common tactic for abusers to claim that the victim is to blame, but that is so they can continue the emotional abuse and shame their victims.”

“About one in four women and one in seven men will experience violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime,” Patel-Dunn continues. “While victims may feel isolated and alone, there are a number of resources and support available.” Here are a few suggestions.

That day with my parents kitchenI began the process of leaving my abuser, which I could not have done without their love and support. While no parent can outright prevent their child from experiencing an abusive relationship, recognizing the signs and knowing how to help can potentially save their life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, visit thehotline.org or text “START” to 88788.