A day in the life of Bernard (campus squirrel)

Hello Miami University students, my name is Bernard. I’m a squirrel here on the Miami campus and before you ask, yes, I’ve been documented by @miamioh_squirrels, which honestly is really annoying because I can’t get a moment of privacy on campus.

Anyway, I’m writing this today because resident humor writer Michael Pattee was out of ideas and knew no one would notice if his writing skills disappeared for a week. So I’m here to tell you my average Wednesday.

My day always starts with looking for breakfast. Now I can go looking for some discarded Bagel & Deli on the weekend, but unfortunately, since people weren’t COMPLETELY degenerate last night, the harvest was small. So after settling for just a jerk (which is about the equivalent of a venti oleato from Starbucks), I headed out to people watch.

Now on Saturdays I play ‘punch-shamey’, which is like ‘punch-buggy’, but for shameless walks. But since it’s only a Wednesday, I often have to settle for seeing freshmen sprint to their 8 a.m. classes in pajama bottoms, only to realize they’re entering the building drenched in sweat.

Then I take an early morning nap and then wake up in time to see President Crawford walking his dogs (I love taunting dogs). Then I have my weekly meeting with my good friends Jennie and Phil.

Phil used to be part of the squirrel mafia on campus. He was recruited by Vinnie “The Nutcracker” Squirrel, to become a member of the Cheek-Stuffer Clan. But after nearly dying during a skirmish with The Scamperino Syndicate, he’s got his marbles back in order.

Afterwards I usually take a RodentLift (the Uber of the squirrel world) home. This time I decided to ride luxury and take a deer named John. I then spend the next few hours stuffing my cheeks with nuts and transferring them to my secret stash. If all the students leave Miami, there will be no food left.

For dinner I looked for some Bagel & Deli. Luckily, I found pieces of my favorite sandwich known to man, the Tonya Harding Club. I hear Tonya was a little crazy, so I really like her sandwich.

I tried to sit still, but started to feel a little nervous, so I went Uptown to see some entertainment. Last Wednesday this one girl was wearing a pair of jean shorts that were supposed to look like an inseam of half a jerk (like gah denim girl, how bad are you). She was then thrown over a series of chain cable stanchions, causing her to hit her head on the pavement. Me and the other spectators went crazy, it was amazing.

As the Uptown scandals end each night, I return to my tree for a moment of silence. As I curl up in my beanie that I stole from a sophomore last year, I can’t help but hope that I’m not having another nightmare about what life would be like as a humor writer for The Miami student.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an email address where I can receive your feedback, like Michael, the ideal humor writer who writes normally, does. So feel free to send your crazy takes about my average day to him at the address below.

[email protected]